my response to the shitty letter my ex sent mee

work in progress very tired and angry not sure if i will respond to him or just the internet.

 

Please don’t think I am an idiot who has no idea that you lied to me over and over again.

Please stop thinking you are a good guy a good guy would never do what you did to me.

When I said to just tell me if you did not love me or you liked someone else instead you said I was paranoid or blamed my depression. That is called gas lighting. That is something shitty abusive people do you acted like you were above my abusive exes but you pulled the same shit in the end. You let me think I was crazy for thinking something was wrong with out relationship that I was crying all the time for no reason. The fact you stopped spending time with me or coming home was in my head. That the girls you were out with till 5am were just your friends. Seriously fuck you for thinking you are a good guy. You aren’t your a fake and you’re a liar. I got over you a long time ago but that doesn’t make what you did okay.

Saying nice things to someones face if they are lies does not make you a nice guy.

You are a monster. I want nothing to do with you. Thanks for sending me my stuff.

 

 

It has been way too long

I did not want to neglect this when I got to the happy stage but sadly I did.

 

Sometimes I want to say thank you for breaking up with me, but FUCK THAT! You get no credit in my current happiness I did this on my own.

Thank you to my family who rushed to give me anything I needed after. Thank you to my friends who listened to me, told me I would get to this better stage, who dragged me out of the house, who just let me sit on their couches and not move, for making sure I knew I was lucky everyday because they are in my life. Thank you to the strangers who listened to me and also invited me out. Thank you to my therapist for calling me and letting me come twice a week when I needed to.

Most of all thank you to myself. I fought hard even though I really did think it was going to be close to impossible and it ended up being almost easy in the end. I have pushed myself to be healthier, stronger, smarter, kinder and the weirdest thing more extroverted. I say yes to a lot of things and I am having so much fun.

I still have work to do I am still in a bad place living/job wise but everything else is really good and I hope to write more about that in here on a regular basis.

I go through this everyday

Because it mental health awareness month and because I just hate pretending being something Im not I have a few things I wanted to write about.  Ive been wanting to talk about how shitty social media can be…yes it has many positives but this whole only showing the the positive and good in your life and how that can make others feel. We all know this but it still can make you feel jealous or lonely or depressed. A little less than two months ago I spent most of my days crying for three weeks I could barely stay at work, I cried at work and in my car all the time, I felt physically sick I had no appetite most of the day and after I ate I usually got sick from eating. This was not for lack of trying I went out almost every day, I upped my therapy from once to twice a week, I starting working out, I started eating better than I have in years (when my I could physically eat)

So because that is how I felt I had to delete all social media mostly because it was not going to be good for me at the time but also because I was not supposed to let anyone see how sad I was. I could only post times when I was having fun and I kind of think thats bullshit. Of course I don’t want to be depressing or sound like I want attention but why shouldn’t I have been depressed. Someone I spent everyday with for over year was just out of my life. That is fucking sad it is totally normal to be upset everything had changed and it was sudden with barely any warning signs and again I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me its part of life but its weird that your supposed to hide that part. I was working on myself and I was doing everything I could but I felt like complete shit.

Something changed after three weeks I stopped crying, I started to really look forward to everything I had been working on. I made new friends, I was focusing on the positive. I have been really happy and really excited about life that isn’t a lie nothing changed in general I feel really good but yesterday I just started crying at work and I could not stop. I am not sure what it wasn’t about the break up at least not in the way you’d assume.  Its just starting everything over can be overwhelming at times. I have to figure out where I want to live now when I had that figured out before. Ive had to turn down jobs I had applied to and just not been offered because I don’t live where I thought I was going to. I have to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. I am also just feeling impatient I am doing a lot of good work on myself but it takes time I am eating better than ever and working out but I want to look good now I hate that I have to wait so long but at least I know its going to happen.  I have kept myself so busy the past few weeks that I was physically going to fall over this week I have more free time and it makes me nervous to be alone with my thoughts still.

Anyways I just appreciate everyone I follow that shows that they have good and bad days and its not easy everyday and not everything is perfect. I really like my life and the way its going but its also hard and scary and I have some really shitty days. So again I really appreciate my family and my friends and all the people I’ve met recently and even the strangers that have been there for me on the shitty days.

Who even cares what day it is now.

So I have been doing so much better in fact it kind of freaks me out I am waiting for a setback it seems so easy there has to be a catch? I guess well see just taking it one day at a time.

I met two girls the other week and both went well but I only have future plans with one but hopefully that changes. There is also a girl I talk to everyday but Ive just been kind of broke from ditching work after the break up to drive out to see her. They are all super lovely and seem like very positive people to be around so hopefully they will be actual friends.

There is also the boy who is really cool that I have a crush on so I am not sure where that leaves us as actual friends. I have no idea what to do about that I would never have thought I would be ready and I probably am not so I even though I really want him to kiss me its actually very cool that he respects me not enough to try. Or maybe I have gotten way ahead of myself and he doesn’t try to kiss me because he does not want to. I am not someone who usually thinks people are into me I think he is but it doesn’t matter anyway. I am having fun hanging out with him whether he is into me or not. There are things I was hesitant to do because of memories or fear or running into my ex but than I go with him and I don’t think about that and have fun.

Work is also better I actually have work to do. Also

Weight when I was with my ex boyfriend: 197

30ish days without him: 178

A lot more to go but also so much progress.

 

Also I fucking mailed him his keys back I don’t want them. It’s done i don’t need keys to an apartment I will never be in and I don’t need him to have to text me one day because he needs his spare car key.

Day 31

and I have a crush? Crush might be a bit strong of a word.

 

So I have been feeling a lot better again I never seem to write in here which is the point of this blog. I made three new friends this week so that was pretty exciting already. Tonight though I hung out with a guy who I enjoyed talking to, made me laugh and oh yes that I thought was cute. I already had explained my break up and that I need friends so if he was interested I would have no idea. It does not matter though because I have work on myself right now. I want to be more confident about my looks yes but also just in general. I really do feel so much stronger already. I feel like I am doing a lot of good work but I know I still have more to do before I can date.

Its still nice to have fun with someone you thinks attractive and to have them tell you your hot and they had a good time. So hope there is.

when I go back to social media I want to be honest about my struggles.

**This is just a draft of something I am thinking about posting on instagram and Facebook when I am ready. **

I have been thinking about how often I read to not let other peoples social media affect you that you aren’t seeing the whole picture. People only post the best part of their lives and that can make people struggling feel like they are alone or everyone has it better than them. As someone who follows a lot of of people on instagram and Facebook who openly posts about about their struggles with mental illness, chronic pain and even struggles with their body positivety they show the good and bad days I want to do the same. I know I don’t have the many followers but its important to me to not contribute to the problem. This is not about me wanting people to feel bad for me or guilt anyone I know some of my exes friends follow me hopefully they don’t see this but if they do its really not about him. It is about being honest about struggling and not pretending everything is fine all the time. So people who are also having a hard time know it can happen to anybody.

This is why I haven’t been very active on social media because I don’t want it to be a pity party or too depressing but I also don’t want to pretend everything is fine and I am having the best time is when I’m not. I see people who used to be part of my life and their social media looks like they are having the most fun and the best time and I know how that hurts to see and maybe they are having the best time and if so thats good for them because I don’t wish being depressed or having a hard time on anyone but maybe they are just posting the good times you don’t know.

I am having a hard time I was in love with someone who I spent a lot of time with and who was my best friend and when you loose that its hard. Again I don’t want sympathy but I don’t want to downplay how hard heart break can be. For three weeks I pretty much cried for at least 50% of the day. I couldn’t handle being at work for more than a few hours, I felt sick anytime I looked at food, I was so emotionally tired I would go to bed around 8pm and its not like I wasn’t trying. I didn’t lay in bed all day though I went out, I doubled my therapy, I quit drinking caffeine (besides green tea), I stopped eating any types of sweets not even a single cookie or a chocolate chip, I don’t eat fast food, I started working out again, I read books, I went out with friends and I made new friends. I still felt horrible though this sinking feeling everyday and I would cry in public in my car the most but even out with friends I would just start crying. It isn’t easy for me and I don’t think it should be its a major loss and a shock and huge change.

Three weeks something seemed to change though I started to eat again, I started to feel excited about all the projects I started, I started to cry a lot less I am nowhere near out of the woods yet and that is okay its probably going to take a long time to feel completely okay and I don’t think theres anything wrong with that.

Day 26

I still cry but its still less….part of me weirdly feels like I have to make sure you know that I am sad that I did not instantly get over you like you appeared to have gotten over me. It was real for me and I still feel what you did was unfair. Progress is happening though I am throwing myself into projects I have a lot of potential new friends some are going to help me with new hobbies. I have been applying for jobs but not that many stand out to me. I am trying to make sure I work out almost everyday even if somedays its just yoga.

Still I imagine what I would say to you if I had the chance. Not to do this to any other girl, that now I have severe trust issues because I know some of what we had was real but I don’t know when you fell out of love with me or when you started lying. When I asked you if certain things about me were a problem and you insisted we were fine. In fact you said the only threat to our relationship was if I did not communicate my feelings and wasn’t honest….but you didn’t communicate and you weren’t honest so amazing how this turned out for me. I feel I wasn’t given a fair chance and maybe I did just help you get over you ex and that was it. I did fuck up though I shouldn’t have gained weight but you made me feel confident and better about myself I didn’t notice because I was less insecure about it than before I met you. I should have gotten a better job I still don’t know how but I am trying but still you said we were happy and in love and we had a future. You made me feel like it was my mental illness kicking in…when you were pulling away how could you do that? I mentioned we weren’t making dinner or spending time together and you said “oh I’m just really into this video game” or “we are spending time together right now” but it wasn’t the same…you made me feel like I was being crazy but you were acting different and someone who wants to help everyone and a mental illness advocate how could you let me think it was just my depression coming back…because since this happened I don’t feel crazy anymore so it was just me knowing something was wrong and you just lied to me. I don’t feel crazy anymore I just feel heartbroken and scared but yes I do feel hopeful for my future projects.

Day 24 (I think)

So the past few days I have cried a lot less. I still cry and the mornings are still the worst. I am sick of having dreams of you. Dreams where we are together or where you are breaking up with me neither feel good. I still am devastated and confused, and angry and lost.

I hate that your friends like my posts as if I am fine and having a great time. I would trade anything to have you back to have a real shot where you were honest about our relationship and didn’t just tell me everything was good all the time.

I hope at some point you really start to miss me. I hope that I meant something to you and that I am not so easy to forget. I hope you got something good out of our relationship. I really tried and I am worthy of being missed and loved.

 

My appetite is coming back which is good but now after barely eating for 3 weeks I am worried about gaining weight. I bought a bunch of pre made meals from trader joes all healthy no cheese no red meat low calories. My legs are sore from the gym yesterday and I worked on my resume. Now I need to apply to jobs that will keep me busy sometimes I think about applying to you work and not because I ever want to run into you that would be a nightmare but because I want the discount to replace all the things you got me with things that I like but were not from you. Its a insanely large place but I feel like I would run into day one and look like a psycho. You bought me so much stuff though and some of it I will keep but whatever I can bear to get rid off I want to get rid off and replace. That would just be a second job though still looking for a full time weekly job that would just be weekends. I doubt ill do it plus I would still have to get hired.

I wish that you were on what I was on But you were only on my mind

Maybe you didn’t have your foot out the door during out relationship but you at least kept a toe out.

You kept me so separate from your friends and now its so easy for you to go out with them because I was never a part of that I am completely left out.

You never told me when there was a problem, whatever the reason you broke up with me I know I had to have brought it up at some point and you lied to me. I thought we were good together but yes I knew we had some major differences. When I asked you if you were sure you didn’t want to be with someone more creative you reassured me you didn’t you just wanted to be with me because you had fun with me and you wanted to spend your time with me. Now barely broken up seems like you are having a blast with all you creative friends which again you could have done while you were with me I never stopped that but seems like you feel free now.

When I asked about my weight you said you didn’t care and loved me for who I am. When I would get hard on myself about my weight to help me work on it you seemed annoyed but than when you break up with me you make a very veiled comment about it.

When I wanted to make sure you weren’t bored with how much time we were spending at home (we were trying to save money to move) you said you just loved spending time with me at home, having dinner, watching tv, playing zelda. Now you seem to go out constantly I would have done these things. I wanted to do these things. You just didn’t want to to them with me for some reason.

If you wanted the relationship to work you would have been honest lying to me just lead me on I thought we were happy and had a future. You get over me so quickly it really is not fair how you treated me I have no idea what was real now and when it started to fall apart and why you didn’t give me a real chance. You always had an answer for any concern you always made me feel better about everything to reassure me but you blindly led me into this devastating, confused, intense heartbreak I could have never seen coming.

Why didn’t you love me enough to give me a shot? Why did you set us up for failure?

I know I was sweet and I really loved you and I tried to help you as much as I could so that probably made it hard for you to admit you didn’t want this but if you cared for me you should have been honest. I was sweet and nice and you wanted to love me but deep down maybe you knew you wanted to be with someone who was more like you someone who dressed better, looked better, someone more creative or extroverted .

I just hope you don’t do this to anyone again you probably wont someone like me having a chance with you wasn’t a normal occurrence. I could not believe you liked me and than that you loved me I felt so lucky every day. I knew you were out of my league (but again I tried to make up for that in everyday and I still think we were good together despite the few differences) maybe I shouldn’t have pursued you for so long but you also should have been honest with yourself and with me and not let it go on so long.

Day twenty

Was a good day sadly it is now day 21 and it’s not that great. Yesterday though I felt okay. I barely cried, I got my hair done for four hours it looks healthy and nice and we talked about my break up calmly. My best friend took me to a concert at is was full is postive energy and so fun. It was the least I cried since we broke up.

Today though I had dreams of you of course and I just feel like there is a hole in my soul.

And your friends still like my posts so than I end up looking and see you having fun and you changed your hair. You barely included me with your friends it hurts so much I wanted to be part of that. I am literally nothing to you now.

Lets just hope for more days like yesterday in the future.