work in progress very tired and angry not sure if i will respond to him or just the internet.
Please don’t think I am an idiot who has no idea that you lied to me over and over again.
Please stop thinking you are a good guy a good guy would never do what you did to me.
When I said to just tell me if you did not love me or you liked someone else instead you said I was paranoid or blamed my depression. That is called gas lighting. That is something shitty abusive people do you acted like you were above my abusive exes but you pulled the same shit in the end. You let me think I was crazy for thinking something was wrong with out relationship that I was crying all the time for no reason. The fact you stopped spending time with me or coming home was in my head. That the girls you were out with till 5am were just your friends. Seriously fuck you for thinking you are a good guy. You aren’t your a fake and you’re a liar. I got over you a long time ago but that doesn’t make what you did okay.
Saying nice things to someones face if they are lies does not make you a nice guy.
You are a monster. I want nothing to do with you. Thanks for sending me my stuff.
I did not want to neglect this when I got to the happy stage but sadly I did.
Sometimes I want to say thank you for breaking up with me, but FUCK THAT! You get no credit in my current happiness I did this on my own.
Thank you to my family who rushed to give me anything I needed after. Thank you to my friends who listened to me, told me I would get to this better stage, who dragged me out of the house, who just let me sit on their couches and not move, for making sure I knew I was lucky everyday because they are in my life. Thank you to the strangers who listened to me and also invited me out. Thank you to my therapist for calling me and letting me come twice a week when I needed to.
Most of all thank you to myself. I fought hard even though I really did think it was going to be close to impossible and it ended up being almost easy in the end. I have pushed myself to be healthier, stronger, smarter, kinder and the weirdest thing more extroverted. I say yes to a lot of things and I am having so much fun.
I still have work to do I am still in a bad place living/job wise but everything else is really good and I hope to write more about that in here on a regular basis.
So I have been doing so much better in fact it kind of freaks me out I am waiting for a setback it seems so easy there has to be a catch? I guess well see just taking it one day at a time.
I met two girls the other week and both went well but I only have future plans with one but hopefully that changes. There is also a girl I talk to everyday but Ive just been kind of broke from ditching work after the break up to drive out to see her. They are all super lovely and seem like very positive people to be around so hopefully they will be actual friends.
There is also the boy who is really cool that I have a crush on so I am not sure where that leaves us as actual friends. I have no idea what to do about that I would never have thought I would be ready and I probably am not so I even though I really want him to kiss me its actually very cool that he respects me not enough to try. Or maybe I have gotten way ahead of myself and he doesn’t try to kiss me because he does not want to. I am not someone who usually thinks people are into me I think he is but it doesn’t matter anyway. I am having fun hanging out with him whether he is into me or not. There are things I was hesitant to do because of memories or fear or running into my ex but than I go with him and I don’t think about that and have fun.
Work is also better I actually have work to do. Also
Weight when I was with my ex boyfriend: 197
30ish days without him: 178
A lot more to go but also so much progress.
Also I fucking mailed him his keys back I don’t want them. It’s done i don’t need keys to an apartment I will never be in and I don’t need him to have to text me one day because he needs his spare car key.
and I have a crush? Crush might be a bit strong of a word.
So I have been feeling a lot better again I never seem to write in here which is the point of this blog. I made three new friends this week so that was pretty exciting already. Tonight though I hung out with a guy who I enjoyed talking to, made me laugh and oh yes that I thought was cute. I already had explained my break up and that I need friends so if he was interested I would have no idea. It does not matter though because I have work on myself right now. I want to be more confident about my looks yes but also just in general. I really do feel so much stronger already. I feel like I am doing a lot of good work but I know I still have more to do before I can date.
Its still nice to have fun with someone you thinks attractive and to have them tell you your hot and they had a good time. So hope there is.
**This is just a draft of something I am thinking about posting on instagram and Facebook when I am ready. **
I have been thinking about how often I read to not let other peoples social media affect you that you aren’t seeing the whole picture. People only post the best part of their lives and that can make people struggling feel like they are alone or everyone has it better than them. As someone who follows a lot of of people on instagram and Facebook who openly posts about about their struggles with mental illness, chronic pain and even struggles with their body positivety they show the good and bad days I want to do the same. I know I don’t have the many followers but its important to me to not contribute to the problem. This is not about me wanting people to feel bad for me or guilt anyone I know some of my exes friends follow me hopefully they don’t see this but if they do its really not about him. It is about being honest about struggling and not pretending everything is fine all the time. So people who are also having a hard time know it can happen to anybody.
This is why I haven’t been very active on social media because I don’t want it to be a pity party or too depressing but I also don’t want to pretend everything is fine and I am having the best time is when I’m not. I see people who used to be part of my life and their social media looks like they are having the most fun and the best time and I know how that hurts to see and maybe they are having the best time and if so thats good for them because I don’t wish being depressed or having a hard time on anyone but maybe they are just posting the good times you don’t know.
I am having a hard time I was in love with someone who I spent a lot of time with and who was my best friend and when you loose that its hard. Again I don’t want sympathy but I don’t want to downplay how hard heart break can be. For three weeks I pretty much cried for at least 50% of the day. I couldn’t handle being at work for more than a few hours, I felt sick anytime I looked at food, I was so emotionally tired I would go to bed around 8pm and its not like I wasn’t trying. I didn’t lay in bed all day though I went out, I doubled my therapy, I quit drinking caffeine (besides green tea), I stopped eating any types of sweets not even a single cookie or a chocolate chip, I don’t eat fast food, I started working out again, I read books, I went out with friends and I made new friends. I still felt horrible though this sinking feeling everyday and I would cry in public in my car the most but even out with friends I would just start crying. It isn’t easy for me and I don’t think it should be its a major loss and a shock and huge change.
Three weeks something seemed to change though I started to eat again, I started to feel excited about all the projects I started, I started to cry a lot less I am nowhere near out of the woods yet and that is okay its probably going to take a long time to feel completely okay and I don’t think theres anything wrong with that.
I still cry but its still less….part of me weirdly feels like I have to make sure you know that I am sad that I did not instantly get over you like you appeared to have gotten over me. It was real for me and I still feel what you did was unfair. Progress is happening though I am throwing myself into projects I have a lot of potential new friends some are going to help me with new hobbies. I have been applying for jobs but not that many stand out to me. I am trying to make sure I work out almost everyday even if somedays its just yoga.
Still I imagine what I would say to you if I had the chance. Not to do this to any other girl, that now I have severe trust issues because I know some of what we had was real but I don’t know when you fell out of love with me or when you started lying. When I asked you if certain things about me were a problem and you insisted we were fine. In fact you said the only threat to our relationship was if I did not communicate my feelings and wasn’t honest….but you didn’t communicate and you weren’t honest so amazing how this turned out for me. I feel I wasn’t given a fair chance and maybe I did just help you get over you ex and that was it. I did fuck up though I shouldn’t have gained weight but you made me feel confident and better about myself I didn’t notice because I was less insecure about it than before I met you. I should have gotten a better job I still don’t know how but I am trying but still you said we were happy and in love and we had a future. You made me feel like it was my mental illness kicking in…when you were pulling away how could you do that? I mentioned we weren’t making dinner or spending time together and you said “oh I’m just really into this video game” or “we are spending time together right now” but it wasn’t the same…you made me feel like I was being crazy but you were acting different and someone who wants to help everyone and a mental illness advocate how could you let me think it was just my depression coming back…because since this happened I don’t feel crazy anymore so it was just me knowing something was wrong and you just lied to me. I don’t feel crazy anymore I just feel heartbroken and scared but yes I do feel hopeful for my future projects.
So the past few days I have cried a lot less. I still cry and the mornings are still the worst. I am sick of having dreams of you. Dreams where we are together or where you are breaking up with me neither feel good. I still am devastated and confused, and angry and lost.
I hate that your friends like my posts as if I am fine and having a great time. I would trade anything to have you back to have a real shot where you were honest about our relationship and didn’t just tell me everything was good all the time.
I hope at some point you really start to miss me. I hope that I meant something to you and that I am not so easy to forget. I hope you got something good out of our relationship. I really tried and I am worthy of being missed and loved.
My appetite is coming back which is good but now after barely eating for 3 weeks I am worried about gaining weight. I bought a bunch of pre made meals from trader joes all healthy no cheese no red meat low calories. My legs are sore from the gym yesterday and I worked on my resume. Now I need to apply to jobs that will keep me busy sometimes I think about applying to you work and not because I ever want to run into you that would be a nightmare but because I want the discount to replace all the things you got me with things that I like but were not from you. Its a insanely large place but I feel like I would run into day one and look like a psycho. You bought me so much stuff though and some of it I will keep but whatever I can bear to get rid off I want to get rid off and replace. That would just be a second job though still looking for a full time weekly job that would just be weekends. I doubt ill do it plus I would still have to get hired.