So the past few days I have cried a lot less. I still cry and the mornings are still the worst. I am sick of having dreams of you. Dreams where we are together or where you are breaking up with me neither feel good. I still am devastated and confused, and angry and lost.
I hate that your friends like my posts as if I am fine and having a great time. I would trade anything to have you back to have a real shot where you were honest about our relationship and didn’t just tell me everything was good all the time.
I hope at some point you really start to miss me. I hope that I meant something to you and that I am not so easy to forget. I hope you got something good out of our relationship. I really tried and I am worthy of being missed and loved.
My appetite is coming back which is good but now after barely eating for 3 weeks I am worried about gaining weight. I bought a bunch of pre made meals from trader joes all healthy no cheese no red meat low calories. My legs are sore from the gym yesterday and I worked on my resume. Now I need to apply to jobs that will keep me busy sometimes I think about applying to you work and not because I ever want to run into you that would be a nightmare but because I want the discount to replace all the things you got me with things that I like but were not from you. Its a insanely large place but I feel like I would run into day one and look like a psycho. You bought me so much stuff though and some of it I will keep but whatever I can bear to get rid off I want to get rid off and replace. That would just be a second job though still looking for a full time weekly job that would just be weekends. I doubt ill do it plus I would still have to get hired.
So I do okay for a few hours at a time and I want to do okay so we can be friends one day I really do. Anyways I got promoted at work something that should be good just brought me to tears the second I was alone. I can’t tell you about it. The worst week of my life and I get more responsibility I know you thought I was coasting at this job but it was giving me actual data entry experience and now I have some giant project I have to organize and create a system for all these files I feel like you’d think this was good. It’s a temp job I still am going to pursue bigger things but while I work on my resume and apply for jobs it’s pretty cool I’m getting to learn and do more things here. But you’ll probably never hear about it.
I do not feel okay at all. But it’s your first day at you new your new job I hope it goes well I hope it’s better than you expect. I wish I could hear about it from you.
Today is really hard, I thought last night would be, you broke up with me Thursday night last week although it lasted until Friday afternoon so maybe thats why today is so hard. Last night I was so emotionally tired I just watched really really bad tv and fell asleep of course I thought of you but no crying or panic attacks.
As most mornings I just this horrible feeling in my stomach. I just can’t believe its been a week since you decided this. I keep thinking about things that hurt me more not to torture myself but to understand or accept? You cried so much on Thursday/Friday but not on Sunday. Maybe you did just cry because you felt bad about hurting me. You weren’t crying because you would miss me or didn’t want to do this. Sunday I still cried when I saw you and you didn’t. You said nice things but you did say you were a good liar and could manipulate people (although I don’t know if I ever saw it) so maybe you just didn’t want to make me feel bad so you said nice things, you held my hand, you called me cute girl you kissed me like you really meant it knowing after that you wouldn’t have to deal with me. I don’t really think you are that cruel I just have no idea what to think.
I really need to go to work its my last day…I know they have nothing for me to do which is one reason its hard I don’t want to just think about you. I can’t really apply for jobs on my phone so I can’t even distract myself with something positive. Some people said they’d help me with my resume so maybe this weekend I can get that done. I have to buy some nicer clothes probably go buy ones you help me pick out months ago so that will suck for me.
I should have let you help me with his job stuff when I had the chance.
I don’t know why I was so embarrassed I always felt insecure and dumb at how little experience I had at adult jobs.
Now I have no choice to confront this I know you’d be able to get me interviews at the very least I am not sure I will fill any of this out right but I have to try. I have to do something I can’t wallow all the time.
Also its almost been a week exactly since you said the worst words to me ever I dread I will have a panic attack tonight.