So I have been doing so much better in fact it kind of freaks me out I am waiting for a setback it seems so easy there has to be a catch? I guess well see just taking it one day at a time.
I met two girls the other week and both went well but I only have future plans with one but hopefully that changes. There is also a girl I talk to everyday but Ive just been kind of broke from ditching work after the break up to drive out to see her. They are all super lovely and seem like very positive people to be around so hopefully they will be actual friends.
There is also the boy who is really cool that I have a crush on so I am not sure where that leaves us as actual friends. I have no idea what to do about that I would never have thought I would be ready and I probably am not so I even though I really want him to kiss me its actually very cool that he respects me not enough to try. Or maybe I have gotten way ahead of myself and he doesn’t try to kiss me because he does not want to. I am not someone who usually thinks people are into me I think he is but it doesn’t matter anyway. I am having fun hanging out with him whether he is into me or not. There are things I was hesitant to do because of memories or fear or running into my ex but than I go with him and I don’t think about that and have fun.
Work is also better I actually have work to do. Also
Weight when I was with my ex boyfriend: 197
30ish days without him: 178
A lot more to go but also so much progress.
Also I fucking mailed him his keys back I don’t want them. It’s done i don’t need keys to an apartment I will never be in and I don’t need him to have to text me one day because he needs his spare car key.
I still cry but its still less….part of me weirdly feels like I have to make sure you know that I am sad that I did not instantly get over you like you appeared to have gotten over me. It was real for me and I still feel what you did was unfair. Progress is happening though I am throwing myself into projects I have a lot of potential new friends some are going to help me with new hobbies. I have been applying for jobs but not that many stand out to me. I am trying to make sure I work out almost everyday even if somedays its just yoga.
Still I imagine what I would say to you if I had the chance. Not to do this to any other girl, that now I have severe trust issues because I know some of what we had was real but I don’t know when you fell out of love with me or when you started lying. When I asked you if certain things about me were a problem and you insisted we were fine. In fact you said the only threat to our relationship was if I did not communicate my feelings and wasn’t honest….but you didn’t communicate and you weren’t honest so amazing how this turned out for me. I feel I wasn’t given a fair chance and maybe I did just help you get over you ex and that was it. I did fuck up though I shouldn’t have gained weight but you made me feel confident and better about myself I didn’t notice because I was less insecure about it than before I met you. I should have gotten a better job I still don’t know how but I am trying but still you said we were happy and in love and we had a future. You made me feel like it was my mental illness kicking in…when you were pulling away how could you do that? I mentioned we weren’t making dinner or spending time together and you said “oh I’m just really into this video game” or “we are spending time together right now” but it wasn’t the same…you made me feel like I was being crazy but you were acting different and someone who wants to help everyone and a mental illness advocate how could you let me think it was just my depression coming back…because since this happened I don’t feel crazy anymore so it was just me knowing something was wrong and you just lied to me. I don’t feel crazy anymore I just feel heartbroken and scared but yes I do feel hopeful for my future projects.
Right now I feel okay. I went out with a friend we had some delicious interesting dinner and than I had some tea while he had coffee. We talked I was normal I could imagine my future and talk about my goals. While there is a sadness in my heart and head sometimes especially in the evening I feel okay I wish I could feel like this more but at least there is hope.
I hope when you look back on the last year/two years and what a horrible time it was and how you were depressed you were I hope you don’t think any of it was because of me. I worry the longer we don’t talk or the more time has gone by you might just remember what a bad year it was and lump me into that.
I started to think all of those things that happened were still going to happen so maybe I came into your life to help you with this year and that was my purpose.
You and your girlfriend of 4 years broke up not to long before we met…even though it was not a good relationship you were still having trouble with it when we met. Your friends were her friends to and you saw them less. You had to leave your apartment and than you lost your job. A lot of your idols passed away. It was a insanely bad year. I always felt sad when you said what a terrible year it was because what about me? My year was great because I had you sure other things weren’t great but nothing seemed that bad because you were in my life. Unfortunately I couldn’t make you feel that way but you said that year and a half would have been so much worse without me and I was the bright spot during all the terrible things that happened the last year and half. I look back and I believe it and I hope you don’t forget.
You did not spend as much time with your friends and I hope you don’t look back and think that was me I always wanted you to but I figured because of your ex you didn’t.
I always believed in you and encouraged you to go after you dreams.
I hope you remember all the times we laughed, all the times we just walked around at night enjoying the atmosphere, building legos, getting competitive over really dumb iPhone games, watching each other play overwatch or zelda, tickle and pillow fights, me always breaking truces even though I never stood a chance, making fun of Barry Allen, seeing movies constantly and cuddling in those comfy theatre seats where I would almost forget we weren’t at home, all the home made meals, the back massages, the back scratches, watching my dog and your cat become friends, the drives to work, just all the conversations we talked so much and never got sick of each other (at least not me and not you until a few weeks ago) and so much more. I do hope you remember it this way.
I am sorry you had such a horrible few years I wish I could have made it so you were all the way happy. I am glad I got to help you even if in the end it wasn’t enough.
I will usually post when I am having a hard time but I should show that sometimes I do know it is going to be okay. I mean of course even at my best I would still want to be with you but I can be okay with just being friends eventually.
Like right now I am watching Silicon Valley and it is so cringey and I know you would be covering your ears in embarrassment. It makes me smile I wish you were here but not in a sad way.
One reason I feel okay right now is because we talked today. I know we should’t have I didn’t mean for it to be a conversation I just wanted to ask you to block me on Facebook so I wouldn’t see you since we have mutual friends and they are more your friends I didn’t want to see things they posted about you and get more upset. I asked you to not text back. You did saying you would always care about me and of course I couldn’t help myself but answer back. You didn’t answer me about wanting your keys back and you didn’t make it sound as hopeful as you did before but did promise for us to be friends and you would never count me out romantically but definitely nothing any time soon.
I feel like I feel a little better and understand more but that could just be the high off of talking to you maybe tomorrow I will melt down.
I have literally nothing else to text now I can’t see you on social media. I know I left some stuff there but I don’t think you’ll throw it away and I can wait. You don’t apparently want your keys back. You changed the internet over in your name.
I have to focus on myself.