Day 26

I still cry but its still less….part of me weirdly feels like I have to make sure you know that I am sad that I did not instantly get over you like you appeared to have gotten over me. It was real for me and I still feel what you did was unfair. Progress is happening though I am throwing myself into projects I have a lot of potential new friends some are going to help me with new hobbies. I have been applying for jobs but not that many stand out to me. I am trying to make sure I work out almost everyday even if somedays its just yoga.

Still I imagine what I would say to you if I had the chance. Not to do this to any other girl, that now I have severe trust issues because I know some of what we had was real but I don’t know when you fell out of love with me or when you started lying. When I asked you if certain things about me were a problem and you insisted we were fine. In fact you said the only threat to our relationship was if I did not communicate my feelings and wasn’t honest….but you didn’t communicate and you weren’t honest so amazing how this turned out for me. I feel I wasn’t given a fair chance and maybe I did just help you get over you ex and that was it. I did fuck up though I shouldn’t have gained weight but you made me feel confident and better about myself I didn’t notice because I was less insecure about it than before I met you. I should have gotten a better job I still don’t know how but I am trying but still you said we were happy and in love and we had a future. You made me feel like it was my mental illness kicking in…when you were pulling away how could you do that? I mentioned we weren’t making dinner or spending time together and you said “oh I’m just really into this video game” or “we are spending time together right now” but it wasn’t the same…you made me feel like I was being crazy but you were acting different and someone who wants to help everyone and a mental illness advocate how could you let me think it was just my depression coming back…because since this happened I don’t feel crazy anymore so it was just me knowing something was wrong and you just lied to me. I don’t feel crazy anymore I just feel heartbroken and scared but yes I do feel hopeful for my future projects.

Day 24 (I think)

So the past few days I have cried a lot less. I still cry and the mornings are still the worst. I am sick of having dreams of you. Dreams where we are together or where you are breaking up with me neither feel good. I still am devastated and confused, and angry and lost.

I hate that your friends like my posts as if I am fine and having a great time. I would trade anything to have you back to have a real shot where you were honest about our relationship and didn’t just tell me everything was good all the time.

I hope at some point you really start to miss me. I hope that I meant something to you and that I am not so easy to forget. I hope you got something good out of our relationship. I really tried and I am worthy of being missed and loved.

 

My appetite is coming back which is good but now after barely eating for 3 weeks I am worried about gaining weight. I bought a bunch of pre made meals from trader joes all healthy no cheese no red meat low calories. My legs are sore from the gym yesterday and I worked on my resume. Now I need to apply to jobs that will keep me busy sometimes I think about applying to you work and not because I ever want to run into you that would be a nightmare but because I want the discount to replace all the things you got me with things that I like but were not from you. Its a insanely large place but I feel like I would run into day one and look like a psycho. You bought me so much stuff though and some of it I will keep but whatever I can bear to get rid off I want to get rid off and replace. That would just be a second job though still looking for a full time weekly job that would just be weekends. I doubt ill do it plus I would still have to get hired.

Sometimes I do feel okay

I will usually post when I am having a hard time but I should show that sometimes I do know it is going to be okay. I mean of course even at my best I would still want to be with you but I can be okay with just being friends eventually.

Like right now I am watching Silicon Valley and it is so cringey and I know you would be covering your ears in embarrassment. It makes me smile I wish you were here but not in a sad way.

One reason I feel okay right now is because we talked today. I know we should’t have I didn’t mean for it to be a conversation I just wanted to ask you to block me on Facebook so I wouldn’t see you since we have mutual friends and they are more your friends I didn’t want to see things they posted about you and get more upset. I asked you to not text back. You did saying you would always care about me and of course I couldn’t help myself but answer back. You didn’t answer me about wanting your keys back and you didn’t make it sound as hopeful as you did before but did promise for us to be friends and you would never count me out romantically but definitely nothing any time soon.

I feel like I feel a little better and understand more but that could just be the high off of talking to you maybe tomorrow I will melt down.

I have literally nothing else to text now  I can’t see you on social media. I know I left some stuff there but I don’t think you’ll throw it away and I can wait. You don’t apparently want your keys back. You changed the internet over in your name.

I have to focus on myself.

Friday

Today is really hard, I thought last night would be, you broke up with me Thursday night last week although it lasted until Friday afternoon so maybe thats why today is so hard. Last night I was so emotionally tired I just watched really really bad tv and fell asleep of course I thought of you but no crying or panic attacks.

As most mornings I just this horrible feeling in my stomach. I just can’t believe its been a week since you decided this. I keep thinking about things that hurt me more not to torture myself but to understand or accept? You cried so much on Thursday/Friday but not on Sunday. Maybe you did just cry because you felt bad about hurting me. You weren’t crying because you would miss me or didn’t want to do this. Sunday I still cried when I saw you and you didn’t. You said nice things but you did say you were a good liar and could manipulate people (although I don’t know if I ever saw it) so maybe you just didn’t want to make me feel bad so you said nice things, you held my hand, you called me cute girl you kissed me like you really meant it knowing after that you wouldn’t have to deal with me. I don’t really think you are that cruel I just have no idea what to think.

I really need to go to work its my last day…I know they have nothing for me to do which is one reason its hard I don’t want to just think about you. I can’t really apply for jobs on my phone so I can’t even distract myself with something positive. Some people said they’d help me with my resume so maybe this weekend I can get that done. I have to buy some nicer clothes probably go buy ones you help me pick out months ago so that will suck for me.

Things I love, Things I miss

I don’t want all my posts to be negative while I am being overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I thought I would write things I love/miss about him.

I literally just loved looking at you, you are gorgeous. More than that though the way you looked at me always smiling at me.

You would always point out how happy I looked when you would kiss my forehead or hug me and that made you happy too.

When you laughed and really laughed at your own jokes or something dumb it was so cute. You said you hated your laugh I love it.

I always say this but I loved your clothes keep being you.

I loved you’re stories and your passion about them. I loved your passion about other peoples stories too.

How passionate you were about politics even when the worlds gone to shit and its hard to not give up.

What a good cat dad you were and good dad to rambo you were.

How much you just liked to walk around places. I miss walking with you around places at night looking at the lights.

How much you liked to cook and how good you were at it even though you’d usually say it could be better even though it was amazing.

How much you care about everyone and want to help everyone.

I miss holding your hand. I miss resting my head on you. I miss rubbing your back I really do. I miss you calling me on your 10 minutes breaks or your lunch breaks even if we had seen each other most the day. I miss you teasing me and I miss you tickling me. I miss talking star wars and movie trailers with you.

I miss knowing everything was going to be alright. Most of my posts are going to be me being sad and maybe a tiny bit of anger because when I think of all the good we had that we lost I don’t know how I am doing it. How have I not relapsed? How am I just going on? You were my favorite person you were my best friend you made me feel safe no matter what was going on. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you?

And there is so much more I love and miss I just get too emotional loose my train of though.

 

Just keep swimming

My heart hurts I am not as hysterical today though. I started “unpacking” cleaning and organizing my sad trash bags of stuff.

I talked to my therapist its nice to talk about how I don’t understand and it still makes no sense and she agrees unless I am missing something. She said I also lost my best friend that she could tell we really loved each other and we were best friends. It is nice to have others say that to me and it wasn’t in my head unless he was a great at lying. I still am not sure why he gave me his spare keys and said to use his hulu and than takes me off the next day I almost want to ask if he wants his keys backs but I am scared for the answer but again the truth is best to help me get better so I really hope he isn’t lying to me. Not that I think he is a liar he just might think he’s helping me by saying nice things he may not mean to me even after breaking up with me.

 

Anyways I have to go back to work tomorrow I don’t know how that will go and I need to find a job…What a great time to be looking for a job! Completely utterly heartbroken. One thing that helps distract me is look at apartments and better job but I am just worried how I will perform on interview and at a new place while mourning this amazing relationship and friendship I had.

I need help with my resume…I might have someone log into Facebook for me and see if any friends can help. Obviously I would rather have him back and I wish I would have had more self confidence to get a better job when I was with him (although I did have reasons at times to not) that is the least I can get out of this heartbreak is getting a better job so I can take care of myself.

 

Positives my therapist mentioned what great skin I have…I swear crying does wonders I have the clearest skin. And I seem to have lost 8 lbs since we broke up a whole 4 days ago. Now I know that isn’t good and I don’t want to get unhealthy  I just feel sick its hard to eat. i bought some smoothie drinks, yogurt and salad stuff just to make sure I eat and eat healthy.

hulu

So of course because he’s such nice guy he said I could still use his steaming services I really didn’t plan on it because thats not what you do but maybe during the some of the first few wallowing days maybe…he said it wasn’t a big deal I could just watch under my profile. I go on and my profile is gone….I could still watch under his but that can’t be an accident thats its just gone all of a sudden. The only reason this actually upsets me because it makes me think all his other gestures he didn’t really mean and he’s really 100% done with me but can’t tell me to my face. I logged out and cleared the history so I would not not be tempted or even accidentally sign in.

I just wish he wouldn’t have went out of his way to say that I didn’t ask I wasn’t going to use it he told me he wanted me to and who cares so it feels really cold to change that. Again its just hulu it just scares me all his other gestures of friendship one day weren’t what he meant or wanted.

 

Maybe seeing my profile name just made him sad….but thats just wishful me thats just the version on me that wants him to miss me as much as I miss him.