Day 24 (I think)

So the past few days I have cried a lot less. I still cry and the mornings are still the worst. I am sick of having dreams of you. Dreams where we are together or where you are breaking up with me neither feel good. I still am devastated and confused, and angry and lost.

I hate that your friends like my posts as if I am fine and having a great time. I would trade anything to have you back to have a real shot where you were honest about our relationship and didn’t just tell me everything was good all the time.

I hope at some point you really start to miss me. I hope that I meant something to you and that I am not so easy to forget. I hope you got something good out of our relationship. I really tried and I am worthy of being missed and loved.

 

My appetite is coming back which is good but now after barely eating for 3 weeks I am worried about gaining weight. I bought a bunch of pre made meals from trader joes all healthy no cheese no red meat low calories. My legs are sore from the gym yesterday and I worked on my resume. Now I need to apply to jobs that will keep me busy sometimes I think about applying to you work and not because I ever want to run into you that would be a nightmare but because I want the discount to replace all the things you got me with things that I like but were not from you. Its a insanely large place but I feel like I would run into day one and look like a psycho. You bought me so much stuff though and some of it I will keep but whatever I can bear to get rid off I want to get rid off and replace. That would just be a second job though still looking for a full time weekly job that would just be weekends. I doubt ill do it plus I would still have to get hired.

I hope when you look back

I hope when you look back on the last year/two years and what a horrible time it was and how you were depressed you were I hope you don’t think any of it was because of me. I worry the longer we don’t talk or the more time has gone by you might just remember what a bad year it was and lump me into that.

I started to think all of those things that happened were still going to happen so maybe I came into your life to help you with this year and that was my purpose.

You and your girlfriend of 4 years broke up not to long before we met…even though it was not a good relationship you were still having trouble with it when we met. Your friends were her friends to and you saw them less. You had to leave your apartment and than you lost your job. A lot of your idols passed away. It was a insanely bad year. I always felt sad when you said what a terrible year it was because what about me? My year was great because I had you sure other things weren’t great but nothing seemed that bad because you were in my life. Unfortunately I couldn’t make you feel that way but you said that year and a half would have been so much worse without me and I was the bright spot during all the terrible things that happened the last year and ¬†half. I look back and I believe it and I hope you don’t forget.

You did not spend as much time with your friends and I hope you don’t look back and think that was me I always wanted you to but I figured because of your ex you didn’t.

I always believed in you and encouraged you to go after you dreams.

I hope you remember all the times we laughed, all the times we just walked around at night enjoying the atmosphere, building legos, getting competitive over really dumb iPhone games, watching each other play overwatch or zelda, tickle and pillow fights, me always breaking truces even though I never stood a chance, making fun of Barry Allen, seeing movies constantly and cuddling in those comfy theatre seats where I would almost forget we weren’t at home, all the home made meals, the back massages, the back scratches, watching my dog and your cat become friends, the drives to work, ¬†just all the conversations we talked so much and never got sick of each other (at least not me and not you until a few weeks ago) and so much more. I do hope you remember it this way.

I am sorry you had such a horrible few years I wish I could have made it so you were all the way happy. I am glad I got to help you even if in the end it wasn’t enough.