Day 26

I still cry but its still less….part of me weirdly feels like I have to make sure you know that I am sad that I did not instantly get over you like you appeared to have gotten over me. It was real for me and I still feel what you did was unfair. Progress is happening though I am throwing myself into projects I have a lot of potential new friends some are going to help me with new hobbies. I have been applying for jobs but not that many stand out to me. I am trying to make sure I work out almost everyday even if somedays its just yoga.

Still I imagine what I would say to you if I had the chance. Not to do this to any other girl, that now I have severe trust issues because I know some of what we had was real but I don’t know when you fell out of love with me or when you started lying. When I asked you if certain things about me were a problem and you insisted we were fine. In fact you said the only threat to our relationship was if I did not communicate my feelings and wasn’t honest….but you didn’t communicate and you weren’t honest so amazing how this turned out for me. I feel I wasn’t given a fair chance and maybe I did just help you get over you ex and that was it. I did fuck up though I shouldn’t have gained weight but you made me feel confident and better about myself I didn’t notice because I was less insecure about it than before I met you. I should have gotten a better job I still don’t know how but I am trying but still you said we were happy and in love and we had a future. You made me feel like it was my mental illness kicking in…when you were pulling away how could you do that? I mentioned we weren’t making dinner or spending time together and you said “oh I’m just really into this video game” or “we are spending time together right now” but it wasn’t the same…you made me feel like I was being crazy but you were acting different and someone who wants to help everyone and a mental illness advocate how could you let me think it was just my depression coming back…because since this happened I don’t feel crazy anymore so it was just me knowing something was wrong and you just lied to me. I don’t feel crazy anymore I just feel heartbroken and scared but yes I do feel hopeful for my future projects.

Things I love, Things I miss

I don’t want all my posts to be negative while I am being overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I thought I would write things I love/miss about him.

I literally just loved looking at you, you are gorgeous. More than that though the way you looked at me always smiling at me.

You would always point out how happy I looked when you would kiss my forehead or hug me and that made you happy too.

When you laughed and really laughed at your own jokes or something dumb it was so cute. You said you hated your laugh I love it.

I always say this but I loved your clothes keep being you.

I loved you’re stories and your passion about them. I loved your passion about other peoples stories too.

How passionate you were about politics even when the worlds gone to shit and its hard to not give up.

What a good cat dad you were and good dad to rambo you were.

How much you just liked to walk around places. I miss walking with you around places at night looking at the lights.

How much you liked to cook and how good you were at it even though you’d usually say it could be better even though it was amazing.

How much you care about everyone and want to help everyone.

I miss holding your hand. I miss resting my head on you. I miss rubbing your back I really do. I miss you calling me on your 10 minutes breaks or your lunch breaks even if we had seen each other most the day. I miss you teasing me and I miss you tickling me. I miss talking star wars and movie trailers with you.

I miss knowing everything was going to be alright. Most of my posts are going to be me being sad and maybe a tiny bit of anger because when I think of all the good we had that we lost I don’t know how I am doing it. How have I not relapsed? How am I just going on? You were my favorite person you were my best friend you made me feel safe no matter what was going on. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you?

And there is so much more I love and miss I just get too emotional loose my train of though.