It has been way too long

I did not want to neglect this when I got to the happy stage but sadly I did.

 

Sometimes I want to say thank you for breaking up with me, but FUCK THAT! You get no credit in my current happiness I did this on my own.

Thank you to my family who rushed to give me anything I needed after. Thank you to my friends who listened to me, told me I would get to this better stage, who dragged me out of the house, who just let me sit on their couches and not move, for making sure I knew I was lucky everyday because they are in my life. Thank you to the strangers who listened to me and also invited me out. Thank you to my therapist for calling me and letting me come twice a week when I needed to.

Most of all thank you to myself. I fought hard even though I really did think it was going to be close to impossible and it ended up being almost easy in the end. I have pushed myself to be healthier, stronger, smarter, kinder and the weirdest thing more extroverted. I say yes to a lot of things and I am having so much fun.

I still have work to do I am still in a bad place living/job wise but everything else is really good and I hope to write more about that in here on a regular basis.

Day 31

and I have a crush? Crush might be a bit strong of a word.

 

So I have been feeling a lot better again I never seem to write in here which is the point of this blog. I made three new friends this week so that was pretty exciting already. Tonight though I hung out with a guy who I enjoyed talking to, made me laugh and oh yes that I thought was cute. I already had explained my break up and that I need friends so if he was interested I would have no idea. It does not matter though because I have work on myself right now. I want to be more confident about my looks yes but also just in general. I really do feel so much stronger already. I feel like I am doing a lot of good work but I know I still have more to do before I can date.

Its still nice to have fun with someone you thinks attractive and to have them tell you your hot and they had a good time. So hope there is.

when I go back to social media I want to be honest about my struggles.

**This is just a draft of something I am thinking about posting on instagram and Facebook when I am ready. **

I have been thinking about how often I read to not let other peoples social media affect you that you aren’t seeing the whole picture. People only post the best part of their lives and that can make people struggling feel like they are alone or everyone has it better than them. As someone who follows a lot of of people on instagram and Facebook who openly posts about about their struggles with mental illness, chronic pain and even struggles with their body positivety they show the good and bad days I want to do the same. I know I don’t have the many followers but its important to me to not contribute to the problem. This is not about me wanting people to feel bad for me or guilt anyone I know some of my exes friends follow me hopefully they don’t see this but if they do its really not about him. It is about being honest about struggling and not pretending everything is fine all the time. So people who are also having a hard time know it can happen to anybody.

This is why I haven’t been very active on social media because I don’t want it to be a pity party or too depressing but I also don’t want to pretend everything is fine and I am having the best time is when I’m not. I see people who used to be part of my life and their social media looks like they are having the most fun and the best time and I know how that hurts to see and maybe they are having the best time and if so thats good for them because I don’t wish being depressed or having a hard time on anyone but maybe they are just posting the good times you don’t know.

I am having a hard time I was in love with someone who I spent a lot of time with and who was my best friend and when you loose that its hard. Again I don’t want sympathy but I don’t want to downplay how hard heart break can be. For three weeks I pretty much cried for at least 50% of the day. I couldn’t handle being at work for more than a few hours, I felt sick anytime I looked at food, I was so emotionally tired I would go to bed around 8pm and its not like I wasn’t trying. I didn’t lay in bed all day though I went out, I doubled my therapy, I quit drinking caffeine (besides green tea), I stopped eating any types of sweets not even a single cookie or a chocolate chip, I don’t eat fast food, I started working out again, I read books, I went out with friends and I made new friends. I still felt horrible though this sinking feeling everyday and I would cry in public in my car the most but even out with friends I would just start crying. It isn’t easy for me and I don’t think it should be its a major loss and a shock and huge change.

Three weeks something seemed to change though I started to eat again, I started to feel excited about all the projects I started, I started to cry a lot less I am nowhere near out of the woods yet and that is okay its probably going to take a long time to feel completely okay and I don’t think theres anything wrong with that.

I wish that you were on what I was on But you were only on my mind

Maybe you didn’t have your foot out the door during out relationship but you at least kept a toe out.

You kept me so separate from your friends and now its so easy for you to go out with them because I was never a part of that I am completely left out.

You never told me when there was a problem, whatever the reason you broke up with me I know I had to have brought it up at some point and you lied to me. I thought we were good together but yes I knew we had some major differences. When I asked you if you were sure you didn’t want to be with someone more creative you reassured me you didn’t you just wanted to be with me because you had fun with me and you wanted to spend your time with me. Now barely broken up seems like you are having a blast with all you creative friends which again you could have done while you were with me I never stopped that but seems like you feel free now.

When I asked about my weight you said you didn’t care and loved me for who I am. When I would get hard on myself about my weight to help me work on it you seemed annoyed but than when you break up with me you make a very veiled comment about it.

When I wanted to make sure you weren’t bored with how much time we were spending at home (we were trying to save money to move) you said you just loved spending time with me at home, having dinner, watching tv, playing zelda. Now you seem to go out constantly I would have done these things. I wanted to do these things. You just didn’t want to to them with me for some reason.

If you wanted the relationship to work you would have been honest lying to me just lead me on I thought we were happy and had a future. You get over me so quickly it really is not fair how you treated me I have no idea what was real now and when it started to fall apart and why you didn’t give me a real chance. You always had an answer for any concern you always made me feel better about everything to reassure me but you blindly led me into this devastating, confused, intense heartbreak I could have never seen coming.

Why didn’t you love me enough to give me a shot? Why did you set us up for failure?

I know I was sweet and I really loved you and I tried to help you as much as I could so that probably made it hard for you to admit you didn’t want this but if you cared for me you should have been honest. I was sweet and nice and you wanted to love me but deep down maybe you knew you wanted to be with someone who was more like you someone who dressed better, looked better, someone more creative or extroverted .

I just hope you don’t do this to anyone again you probably wont someone like me having a chance with you wasn’t a normal occurrence. I could not believe you liked me and than that you loved me I felt so lucky every day. I knew you were out of my league (but again I tried to make up for that in everyday and I still think we were good together despite the few differences) maybe I shouldn’t have pursued you for so long but you also should have been honest with yourself and with me and not let it go on so long.

evenings.

Right now I feel okay. I went out with a friend we had some delicious interesting dinner and than I had some tea while he had coffee. We talked I was normal I could imagine my future and talk about my goals. While there is a sadness in my heart and head sometimes especially in the evening I feel okay I wish I could feel like this more but at least there is hope.

I know I keep repeating myself

I don’t know why today is so hard maybe its because I have slowly been able to get more positive thoughts in my head so when I think of you it feels ever worse.

I think its partly because I am only now having to push myself to accept its over. You said all these things that gave me too much hope and made it seem like you really loved me. Thanks to social media I can see how your going out so easily and comforting girls who are sad who are not me. We are not getting back together I don’t know if we can be friends. I don’t know who you are anymore and its only been a few weeks and you already seem like a stranger. I don’t know what happened to the person I was in love with and what happened to the person who was in love with me. How could someone who made future plans with me who said I was their family treat me like this. I know I keep saying this but you didn’t give me a chance I had no idea you weren’t happy with me even when we broke up you still wouldn’t admit you weren’t happy with me it was just your job….but how quickly you have gotten over it you must not have been happy. I thought you really loved me. I thought you meant what you said to me.

I was just someone to help you get over your ex maybe I was never the type of girl you could be with? I thought we were good together. I watched you evolve you lost weight, you dressed crazier/better/more your self, you started a lot of the projects your working on while you were with me…I never wanted you to stop any of those things I always supported them I still don’t get how breaking up with me makes you able to do those things again. I feel like you are just hanging out with all your cooler looking friends and more artistic friends and you did not want me to be part of that or near that so its easier now. Its really hurtful everything you’ve done this last month is not nice or kind. Unless you really mean what you said to me but your actions don’t line up with that.

I really want this blog to be positive but I am just being honest with my feelings. Whenever I am feeling somewhat hopeful the computer is not around.

People have been insanely kind to me and I’m thankful and hopeful for that.

you chewed me up and spit me out like I was poison in your mouth.

I don’t even know who you are anymore. Maybe I never did I question so many things now. How can I spend everyday with someone for over a year, How can I share a bed and the place I lived with someone who would just lie to me like that? ┬áHe seems completely fine this break up has literally no effect on him. He doesn’t miss me, he isn’t sad about us he just feels bad that Im sad. So our relationship must have been a problem for awhile for him to get over it within a week, and he never told me when there was a problem. Mr. honesty Mr. communicate your feelings didn’t even do it himself. You didn’t let me know there was any problems you didn’t even act weird until April so two weeks you acted distant and than acted like I being ridiculous when I was worried and started acting weird back.

I went on okcupid no not to date I know I will not be ready for that for awhile I just don’t know where to make friends with similar interests. Of course our messages were some of the last ones on there and I read them and god I loved that person I don’t know if your that person anymore. You said you wanted someone to be your partner in crime, someone honest, someone to settle down with, someone who would take care for you and believe in you, someone who values you. I was all of those things and you just threw me away with no warning.