So I have been doing so much better in fact it kind of freaks me out I am waiting for a setback it seems so easy there has to be a catch? I guess well see just taking it one day at a time.
I met two girls the other week and both went well but I only have future plans with one but hopefully that changes. There is also a girl I talk to everyday but Ive just been kind of broke from ditching work after the break up to drive out to see her. They are all super lovely and seem like very positive people to be around so hopefully they will be actual friends.
There is also the boy who is really cool that I have a crush on so I am not sure where that leaves us as actual friends. I have no idea what to do about that I would never have thought I would be ready and I probably am not so I even though I really want him to kiss me its actually very cool that he respects me not enough to try. Or maybe I have gotten way ahead of myself and he doesn’t try to kiss me because he does not want to. I am not someone who usually thinks people are into me I think he is but it doesn’t matter anyway. I am having fun hanging out with him whether he is into me or not. There are things I was hesitant to do because of memories or fear or running into my ex but than I go with him and I don’t think about that and have fun.
Work is also better I actually have work to do. Also
Weight when I was with my ex boyfriend: 197
30ish days without him: 178
A lot more to go but also so much progress.
Also I fucking mailed him his keys back I don’t want them. It’s done i don’t need keys to an apartment I will never be in and I don’t need him to have to text me one day because he needs his spare car key.
and I have a crush? Crush might be a bit strong of a word.
So I have been feeling a lot better again I never seem to write in here which is the point of this blog. I made three new friends this week so that was pretty exciting already. Tonight though I hung out with a guy who I enjoyed talking to, made me laugh and oh yes that I thought was cute. I already had explained my break up and that I need friends so if he was interested I would have no idea. It does not matter though because I have work on myself right now. I want to be more confident about my looks yes but also just in general. I really do feel so much stronger already. I feel like I am doing a lot of good work but I know I still have more to do before I can date.
Its still nice to have fun with someone you thinks attractive and to have them tell you your hot and they had a good time. So hope there is.
I still cry but its still less….part of me weirdly feels like I have to make sure you know that I am sad that I did not instantly get over you like you appeared to have gotten over me. It was real for me and I still feel what you did was unfair. Progress is happening though I am throwing myself into projects I have a lot of potential new friends some are going to help me with new hobbies. I have been applying for jobs but not that many stand out to me. I am trying to make sure I work out almost everyday even if somedays its just yoga.
Still I imagine what I would say to you if I had the chance. Not to do this to any other girl, that now I have severe trust issues because I know some of what we had was real but I don’t know when you fell out of love with me or when you started lying. When I asked you if certain things about me were a problem and you insisted we were fine. In fact you said the only threat to our relationship was if I did not communicate my feelings and wasn’t honest….but you didn’t communicate and you weren’t honest so amazing how this turned out for me. I feel I wasn’t given a fair chance and maybe I did just help you get over you ex and that was it. I did fuck up though I shouldn’t have gained weight but you made me feel confident and better about myself I didn’t notice because I was less insecure about it than before I met you. I should have gotten a better job I still don’t know how but I am trying but still you said we were happy and in love and we had a future. You made me feel like it was my mental illness kicking in…when you were pulling away how could you do that? I mentioned we weren’t making dinner or spending time together and you said “oh I’m just really into this video game” or “we are spending time together right now” but it wasn’t the same…you made me feel like I was being crazy but you were acting different and someone who wants to help everyone and a mental illness advocate how could you let me think it was just my depression coming back…because since this happened I don’t feel crazy anymore so it was just me knowing something was wrong and you just lied to me. I don’t feel crazy anymore I just feel heartbroken and scared but yes I do feel hopeful for my future projects.
So the past few days I have cried a lot less. I still cry and the mornings are still the worst. I am sick of having dreams of you. Dreams where we are together or where you are breaking up with me neither feel good. I still am devastated and confused, and angry and lost.
I hate that your friends like my posts as if I am fine and having a great time. I would trade anything to have you back to have a real shot where you were honest about our relationship and didn’t just tell me everything was good all the time.
I hope at some point you really start to miss me. I hope that I meant something to you and that I am not so easy to forget. I hope you got something good out of our relationship. I really tried and I am worthy of being missed and loved.
My appetite is coming back which is good but now after barely eating for 3 weeks I am worried about gaining weight. I bought a bunch of pre made meals from trader joes all healthy no cheese no red meat low calories. My legs are sore from the gym yesterday and I worked on my resume. Now I need to apply to jobs that will keep me busy sometimes I think about applying to you work and not because I ever want to run into you that would be a nightmare but because I want the discount to replace all the things you got me with things that I like but were not from you. Its a insanely large place but I feel like I would run into day one and look like a psycho. You bought me so much stuff though and some of it I will keep but whatever I can bear to get rid off I want to get rid off and replace. That would just be a second job though still looking for a full time weekly job that would just be weekends. I doubt ill do it plus I would still have to get hired.