Day 26

I still cry but its still less….part of me weirdly feels like I have to make sure you know that I am sad that I did not instantly get over you like you appeared to have gotten over me. It was real for me and I still feel what you did was unfair. Progress is happening though I am throwing myself into projects I have a lot of potential new friends some are going to help me with new hobbies. I have been applying for jobs but not that many stand out to me. I am trying to make sure I work out almost everyday even if somedays its just yoga.

Still I imagine what I would say to you if I had the chance. Not to do this to any other girl, that now I have severe trust issues because I know some of what we had was real but I don’t know when you fell out of love with me or when you started lying. When I asked you if certain things about me were a problem and you insisted we were fine. In fact you said the only threat to our relationship was if I did not communicate my feelings and wasn’t honest….but you didn’t communicate and you weren’t honest so amazing how this turned out for me. I feel I wasn’t given a fair chance and maybe I did just help you get over you ex and that was it. I did fuck up though I shouldn’t have gained weight but you made me feel confident and better about myself I didn’t notice because I was less insecure about it than before I met you. I should have gotten a better job I still don’t know how but I am trying but still you said we were happy and in love and we had a future. You made me feel like it was my mental illness kicking in…when you were pulling away how could you do that? I mentioned we weren’t making dinner or spending time together and you said “oh I’m just really into this video game” or “we are spending time together right now” but it wasn’t the same…you made me feel like I was being crazy but you were acting different and someone who wants to help everyone and a mental illness advocate how could you let me think it was just my depression coming back…because since this happened I don’t feel crazy anymore so it was just me knowing something was wrong and you just lied to me. I don’t feel crazy anymore I just feel heartbroken and scared but yes I do feel hopeful for my future projects.