It has been way too long

I did not want to neglect this when I got to the happy stage but sadly I did.

 

Sometimes I want to say thank you for breaking up with me, but FUCK THAT! You get no credit in my current happiness I did this on my own.

Thank you to my family who rushed to give me anything I needed after. Thank you to my friends who listened to me, told me I would get to this better stage, who dragged me out of the house, who just let me sit on their couches and not move, for making sure I knew I was lucky everyday because they are in my life. Thank you to the strangers who listened to me and also invited me out. Thank you to my therapist for calling me and letting me come twice a week when I needed to.

Most of all thank you to myself. I fought hard even though I really did think it was going to be close to impossible and it ended up being almost easy in the end. I have pushed myself to be healthier, stronger, smarter, kinder and the weirdest thing more extroverted. I say yes to a lot of things and I am having so much fun.

I still have work to do I am still in a bad place living/job wise but everything else is really good and I hope to write more about that in here on a regular basis.

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Who even cares what day it is now.

So I have been doing so much better in fact it kind of freaks me out I am waiting for a setback it seems so easy there has to be a catch? I guess well see just taking it one day at a time.

I met two girls the other week and both went well but I only have future plans with one but hopefully that changes. There is also a girl I talk to everyday but Ive just been kind of broke from ditching work after the break up to drive out to see her. They are all super lovely and seem like very positive people to be around so hopefully they will be actual friends.

There is also the boy who is really cool that I have a crush on so I am not sure where that leaves us as actual friends. I have no idea what to do about that I would never have thought I would be ready and I probably am not so I even though I really want him to kiss me its actually very cool that he respects me not enough to try. Or maybe I have gotten way ahead of myself and he doesn’t try to kiss me because he does not want to. I am not someone who usually thinks people are into me I think he is but it doesn’t matter anyway. I am having fun hanging out with him whether he is into me or not. There are things I was hesitant to do because of memories or fear or running into my ex but than I go with him and I don’t think about that and have fun.

Work is also better I actually have work to do. Also

Weight when I was with my ex boyfriend: 197

30ish days without him: 178

A lot more to go but also so much progress.

 

Also I fucking mailed him his keys back I don’t want them. It’s done i don’t need keys to an apartment I will never be in and I don’t need him to have to text me one day because he needs his spare car key.

Day 31

and I have a crush? Crush might be a bit strong of a word.

 

So I have been feeling a lot better again I never seem to write in here which is the point of this blog. I made three new friends this week so that was pretty exciting already. Tonight though I hung out with a guy who I enjoyed talking to, made me laugh and oh yes that I thought was cute. I already had explained my break up and that I need friends so if he was interested I would have no idea. It does not matter though because I have work on myself right now. I want to be more confident about my looks yes but also just in general. I really do feel so much stronger already. I feel like I am doing a lot of good work but I know I still have more to do before I can date.

Its still nice to have fun with someone you thinks attractive and to have them tell you your hot and they had a good time. So hope there is.

Day 26

I still cry but its still less….part of me weirdly feels like I have to make sure you know that I am sad that I did not instantly get over you like you appeared to have gotten over me. It was real for me and I still feel what you did was unfair. Progress is happening though I am throwing myself into projects I have a lot of potential new friends some are going to help me with new hobbies. I have been applying for jobs but not that many stand out to me. I am trying to make sure I work out almost everyday even if somedays its just yoga.

Still I imagine what I would say to you if I had the chance. Not to do this to any other girl, that now I have severe trust issues because I know some of what we had was real but I don’t know when you fell out of love with me or when you started lying. When I asked you if certain things about me were a problem and you insisted we were fine. In fact you said the only threat to our relationship was if I did not communicate my feelings and wasn’t honest….but you didn’t communicate and you weren’t honest so amazing how this turned out for me. I feel I wasn’t given a fair chance and maybe I did just help you get over you ex and that was it. I did fuck up though I shouldn’t have gained weight but you made me feel confident and better about myself I didn’t notice because I was less insecure about it than before I met you. I should have gotten a better job I still don’t know how but I am trying but still you said we were happy and in love and we had a future. You made me feel like it was my mental illness kicking in…when you were pulling away how could you do that? I mentioned we weren’t making dinner or spending time together and you said “oh I’m just really into this video game” or “we are spending time together right now” but it wasn’t the same…you made me feel like I was being crazy but you were acting different and someone who wants to help everyone and a mental illness advocate how could you let me think it was just my depression coming back…because since this happened I don’t feel crazy anymore so it was just me knowing something was wrong and you just lied to me. I don’t feel crazy anymore I just feel heartbroken and scared but yes I do feel hopeful for my future projects.

I wish that you were on what I was on But you were only on my mind

Maybe you didn’t have your foot out the door during out relationship but you at least kept a toe out.

You kept me so separate from your friends and now its so easy for you to go out with them because I was never a part of that I am completely left out.

You never told me when there was a problem, whatever the reason you broke up with me I know I had to have brought it up at some point and you lied to me. I thought we were good together but yes I knew we had some major differences. When I asked you if you were sure you didn’t want to be with someone more creative you reassured me you didn’t you just wanted to be with me because you had fun with me and you wanted to spend your time with me. Now barely broken up seems like you are having a blast with all you creative friends which again you could have done while you were with me I never stopped that but seems like you feel free now.

When I asked about my weight you said you didn’t care and loved me for who I am. When I would get hard on myself about my weight to help me work on it you seemed annoyed but than when you break up with me you make a very veiled comment about it.

When I wanted to make sure you weren’t bored with how much time we were spending at home (we were trying to save money to move) you said you just loved spending time with me at home, having dinner, watching tv, playing zelda. Now you seem to go out constantly I would have done these things. I wanted to do these things. You just didn’t want to to them with me for some reason.

If you wanted the relationship to work you would have been honest lying to me just lead me on I thought we were happy and had a future. You get over me so quickly it really is not fair how you treated me I have no idea what was real now and when it started to fall apart and why you didn’t give me a real chance. You always had an answer for any concern you always made me feel better about everything to reassure me but you blindly led me into this devastating, confused, intense heartbreak I could have never seen coming.

Why didn’t you love me enough to give me a shot? Why did you set us up for failure?

I know I was sweet and I really loved you and I tried to help you as much as I could so that probably made it hard for you to admit you didn’t want this but if you cared for me you should have been honest. I was sweet and nice and you wanted to love me but deep down maybe you knew you wanted to be with someone who was more like you someone who dressed better, looked better, someone more creative or extroverted .

I just hope you don’t do this to anyone again you probably wont someone like me having a chance with you wasn’t a normal occurrence. I could not believe you liked me and than that you loved me I felt so lucky every day. I knew you were out of my league (but again I tried to make up for that in everyday and I still think we were good together despite the few differences) maybe I shouldn’t have pursued you for so long but you also should have been honest with yourself and with me and not let it go on so long.

evenings.

Right now I feel okay. I went out with a friend we had some delicious interesting dinner and than I had some tea while he had coffee. We talked I was normal I could imagine my future and talk about my goals. While there is a sadness in my heart and head sometimes especially in the evening I feel okay I wish I could feel like this more but at least there is hope.

I know I keep repeating myself

I don’t know why today is so hard maybe its because I have slowly been able to get more positive thoughts in my head so when I think of you it feels ever worse.

I think its partly because I am only now having to push myself to accept its over. You said all these things that gave me too much hope and made it seem like you really loved me. Thanks to social media I can see how your going out so easily and comforting girls who are sad who are not me. We are not getting back together I don’t know if we can be friends. I don’t know who you are anymore and its only been a few weeks and you already seem like a stranger. I don’t know what happened to the person I was in love with and what happened to the person who was in love with me. How could someone who made future plans with me who said I was their family treat me like this. I know I keep saying this but you didn’t give me a chance I had no idea you weren’t happy with me even when we broke up you still wouldn’t admit you weren’t happy with me it was just your job….but how quickly you have gotten over it you must not have been happy. I thought you really loved me. I thought you meant what you said to me.

I was just someone to help you get over your ex maybe I was never the type of girl you could be with? I thought we were good together. I watched you evolve you lost weight, you dressed crazier/better/more your self, you started a lot of the projects your working on while you were with me…I never wanted you to stop any of those things I always supported them I still don’t get how breaking up with me makes you able to do those things again. I feel like you are just hanging out with all your cooler looking friends and more artistic friends and you did not want me to be part of that or near that so its easier now. Its really hurtful everything you’ve done this last month is not nice or kind. Unless you really mean what you said to me but your actions don’t line up with that.

I really want this blog to be positive but I am just being honest with my feelings. Whenever I am feeling somewhat hopeful the computer is not around.

People have been insanely kind to me and I’m thankful and hopeful for that.