Day 24 (I think)

So the past few days I have cried a lot less. I still cry and the mornings are still the worst. I am sick of having dreams of you. Dreams where we are together or where you are breaking up with me neither feel good. I still am devastated and confused, and angry and lost.

I hate that your friends like my posts as if I am fine and having a great time. I would trade anything to have you back to have a real shot where you were honest about our relationship and didn’t just tell me everything was good all the time.

I hope at some point you really start to miss me. I hope that I meant something to you and that I am not so easy to forget. I hope you got something good out of our relationship. I really tried and I am worthy of being missed and loved.

 

My appetite is coming back which is good but now after barely eating for 3 weeks I am worried about gaining weight. I bought a bunch of pre made meals from trader joes all healthy no cheese no red meat low calories. My legs are sore from the gym yesterday and I worked on my resume. Now I need to apply to jobs that will keep me busy sometimes I think about applying to you work and not because I ever want to run into you that would be a nightmare but because I want the discount to replace all the things you got me with things that I like but were not from you. Its a insanely large place but I feel like I would run into day one and look like a psycho. You bought me so much stuff though and some of it I will keep but whatever I can bear to get rid off I want to get rid off and replace. That would just be a second job though still looking for a full time weekly job that would just be weekends. I doubt ill do it plus I would still have to get hired.

I know I keep repeating myself

I don’t know why today is so hard maybe its because I have slowly been able to get more positive thoughts in my head so when I think of you it feels ever worse.

I think its partly because I am only now having to push myself to accept its over. You said all these things that gave me too much hope and made it seem like you really loved me. Thanks to social media I can see how your going out so easily and comforting girls who are sad who are not me. We are not getting back together I don’t know if we can be friends. I don’t know who you are anymore and its only been a few weeks and you already seem like a stranger. I don’t know what happened to the person I was in love with and what happened to the person who was in love with me. How could someone who made future plans with me who said I was their family treat me like this. I know I keep saying this but you didn’t give me a chance I had no idea you weren’t happy with me even when we broke up you still wouldn’t admit you weren’t happy with me it was just your job….but how quickly you have gotten over it you must not have been happy. I thought you really loved me. I thought you meant what you said to me.

I was just someone to help you get over your ex maybe I was never the type of girl you could be with? I thought we were good together. I watched you evolve you lost weight, you dressed crazier/better/more your self, you started a lot of the projects your working on while you were with me…I never wanted you to stop any of those things I always supported them I still don’t get how breaking up with me makes you able to do those things again. I feel like you are just hanging out with all your cooler looking friends and more artistic friends and you did not want me to be part of that or near that so its easier now. Its really hurtful everything you’ve done this last month is not nice or kind. Unless you really mean what you said to me but your actions don’t line up with that.

I really want this blog to be positive but I am just being honest with my feelings. Whenever I am feeling somewhat hopeful the computer is not around.

People have been insanely kind to me and I’m thankful and hopeful for that.

something changed

I feel lied to and betrayed I feel like you told me what I wanted to hear and that makes it worse for me and I told you that. I know I am one of the only girls you actually ever wanted to leave for some reason so you don’t have much experience in breaking up but I told you it doesn’t help me to lie. Something changed….when April started and you acted like I wasn’t giving you enough space you said “I’m not easy to date” or you just “need to be by yourself” but you shifted majorly. Looking back at our texts you didn’t answer a single one for a week even when most of them were me asking if you needed anything or something similar. You kept going to a empty apartment instead of coming home to see me. Something was wrong. You came home at 4am disoriented saying some guy scared you trying to get in you car and if only your co worker was there you would have been brave and fought….what about me? what about your cat or your self why her?

This was not me being clingy. I never had a problem with you needing time to write…you started a lot of projects while we were dating I never stopped you. I never had a problem with you going out with your friends I never made you feel bad and told you to stay out as late as you wanted. Yes when you came home at 5am the first few times it freaked me out because I wasn’t sure where you were but other than that. I never had a problem. I never wanted you to stop going to the gym I would remind you how much better you felt. So breaking up with me you can all of a sudden go to the gym and work on your stories and see your friends. You stopped loving me, or you started liking someone else or my lack of creativity was a problem. I know you did love me I know we were happy even a month ago we were still ok but what happened. I want to know I won’t contact you but its not fair saying its me I really love you but its me is not fair. I am left confused, I am left hurt, I am left with too much hope. I don’t get to learn from the relationship when you are too scared to tell me the truth. I know you don’t want to hurt me and you still want to look like the good guy but it doesn’t help me. People fall out of love or want other people and yes that would really fucking hurt but it would make sense.

Or maybe we were just in a rut its not really fair we were saving up to move and moving but you always said we were fine and you were happy to watch movies at home with me. you should have communicated any problems.  We were good and we could have been great we could have gotten better and stronger but you didn’t want that and you wont tell me why.

After you broke up with me but still held my hand, kissed me, had sex, said you loved me, called me cute nicknames, continued to tell me it was just you and you “didn’t want to drag me down”  but when you didn’t have to look at me when you texted a week later you were still telling me what I wanted to hear but barely you were different you talked to me like a some kind of role model telling me to just be the best me not like someone who was in love with me making it more obvious.

I may never know but the part of me that wants a chance will fight the thoughts I have right now and hold on to those things you said which is not fair it makes it harder for me in the long run. I have to fight with myself go from hysterically crying to angry and just always confused and lost. If you aren’t really working on yourself and you don’t love me and you didn’t mean it when you said  wanted to be with me than everything you’ve been doing is really cruel.

Day 15

I hate than I can go from confident and okay to crying and wanting to die. I was thinking about all the car rides, the driving you to work,going to job interviews with you because I believed in you and wanted to help plus spend the time with you. I just don’t understand what changed and what went wrong and I loose it.  Today started okay yes the horrible dream but went to work was excited about loosing 11 pounds but than I thought think of what we had and Now I’m crying in my car on my lunch break 

Things I love, Things I miss

I don’t want all my posts to be negative while I am being overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. I thought I would write things I love/miss about him.

I literally just loved looking at you, you are gorgeous. More than that though the way you looked at me always smiling at me.

You would always point out how happy I looked when you would kiss my forehead or hug me and that made you happy too.

When you laughed and really laughed at your own jokes or something dumb it was so cute. You said you hated your laugh I love it.

I always say this but I loved your clothes keep being you.

I loved you’re stories and your passion about them. I loved your passion about other peoples stories too.

How passionate you were about politics even when the worlds gone to shit and its hard to not give up.

What a good cat dad you were and good dad to rambo you were.

How much you just liked to walk around places. I miss walking with you around places at night looking at the lights.

How much you liked to cook and how good you were at it even though you’d usually say it could be better even though it was amazing.

How much you care about everyone and want to help everyone.

I miss holding your hand. I miss resting my head on you. I miss rubbing your back I really do. I miss you calling me on your 10 minutes breaks or your lunch breaks even if we had seen each other most the day. I miss you teasing me and I miss you tickling me. I miss talking star wars and movie trailers with you.

I miss knowing everything was going to be alright. Most of my posts are going to be me being sad and maybe a tiny bit of anger because when I think of all the good we had that we lost I don’t know how I am doing it. How have I not relapsed? How am I just going on? You were my favorite person you were my best friend you made me feel safe no matter what was going on. I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you?

And there is so much more I love and miss I just get too emotional loose my train of though.