Day 24 (I think)

So the past few days I have cried a lot less. I still cry and the mornings are still the worst. I am sick of having dreams of you. Dreams where we are together or where you are breaking up with me neither feel good. I still am devastated and confused, and angry and lost.

I hate that your friends like my posts as if I am fine and having a great time. I would trade anything to have you back to have a real shot where you were honest about our relationship and didn’t just tell me everything was good all the time.

I hope at some point you really start to miss me. I hope that I meant something to you and that I am not so easy to forget. I hope you got something good out of our relationship. I really tried and I am worthy of being missed and loved.

 

My appetite is coming back which is good but now after barely eating for 3 weeks I am worried about gaining weight. I bought a bunch of pre made meals from trader joes all healthy no cheese no red meat low calories. My legs are sore from the gym yesterday and I worked on my resume. Now I need to apply to jobs that will keep me busy sometimes I think about applying to you work and not because I ever want to run into you that would be a nightmare but because I want the discount to replace all the things you got me with things that I like but were not from you. Its a insanely large place but I feel like I would run into day one and look like a psycho. You bought me so much stuff though and some of it I will keep but whatever I can bear to get rid off I want to get rid off and replace. That would just be a second job though still looking for a full time weekly job that would just be weekends. I doubt ill do it plus I would still have to get hired.

I wish that you were on what I was on But you were only on my mind

Maybe you didn’t have your foot out the door during out relationship but you at least kept a toe out.

You kept me so separate from your friends and now its so easy for you to go out with them because I was never a part of that I am completely left out.

You never told me when there was a problem, whatever the reason you broke up with me I know I had to have brought it up at some point and you lied to me. I thought we were good together but yes I knew we had some major differences. When I asked you if you were sure you didn’t want to be with someone more creative you reassured me you didn’t you just wanted to be with me because you had fun with me and you wanted to spend your time with me. Now barely broken up seems like you are having a blast with all you creative friends which again you could have done while you were with me I never stopped that but seems like you feel free now.

When I asked about my weight you said you didn’t care and loved me for who I am. When I would get hard on myself about my weight to help me work on it you seemed annoyed but than when you break up with me you make a very veiled comment about it.

When I wanted to make sure you weren’t bored with how much time we were spending at home (we were trying to save money to move) you said you just loved spending time with me at home, having dinner, watching tv, playing zelda. Now you seem to go out constantly I would have done these things. I wanted to do these things. You just didn’t want to to them with me for some reason.

If you wanted the relationship to work you would have been honest lying to me just lead me on I thought we were happy and had a future. You get over me so quickly it really is not fair how you treated me I have no idea what was real now and when it started to fall apart and why you didn’t give me a real chance. You always had an answer for any concern you always made me feel better about everything to reassure me but you blindly led me into this devastating, confused, intense heartbreak I could have never seen coming.

Why didn’t you love me enough to give me a shot? Why did you set us up for failure?

I know I was sweet and I really loved you and I tried to help you as much as I could so that probably made it hard for you to admit you didn’t want this but if you cared for me you should have been honest. I was sweet and nice and you wanted to love me but deep down maybe you knew you wanted to be with someone who was more like you someone who dressed better, looked better, someone more creative or extroverted .

I just hope you don’t do this to anyone again you probably wont someone like me having a chance with you wasn’t a normal occurrence. I could not believe you liked me and than that you loved me I felt so lucky every day. I knew you were out of my league (but again I tried to make up for that in everyday and I still think we were good together despite the few differences) maybe I shouldn’t have pursued you for so long but you also should have been honest with yourself and with me and not let it go on so long.

Day twenty 

Was a good day sadly it is now day 21 and it’s not that great. Yesterday though I felt okay. I barely cried, I got my hair done for four hours it looks healthy and nice and we talked about my break up calmly. My best friend took me to a concert at is was full is postive energy and so fun. It was the least I cried since we broke up.

Today though I had dreams of you of course and I just feel like there is a hole in my soul.

And your friends still like my posts so than I end up looking and see you having fun and you changed your hair. You barely included me with your friends it hurts so much I wanted to be part of that. I am literally nothing to you now.

Lets just hope for more days like yesterday in the future.

you chewed me up and spit me out like I was poison in your mouth.

I don’t even know who you are anymore. Maybe I never did I question so many things now. How can I spend everyday with someone for over a year, How can I share a bed and the place I lived with someone who would just lie to me like that?  He seems completely fine this break up has literally no effect on him. He doesn’t miss me, he isn’t sad about us he just feels bad that Im sad. So our relationship must have been a problem for awhile for him to get over it within a week, and he never told me when there was a problem. Mr. honesty Mr. communicate your feelings didn’t even do it himself. You didn’t let me know there was any problems you didn’t even act weird until April so two weeks you acted distant and than acted like I being ridiculous when I was worried and started acting weird back.

I went on okcupid no not to date I know I will not be ready for that for awhile I just don’t know where to make friends with similar interests. Of course our messages were some of the last ones on there and I read them and god I loved that person I don’t know if your that person anymore. You said you wanted someone to be your partner in crime, someone honest, someone to settle down with, someone who would take care for you and believe in you, someone who values you. I was all of those things and you just threw me away with no warning.

Day 16

I am trying to take care of myself. I don’t want to think of what we had and what I lost. I am sure I will keep writing things that don’t matter he wont see them or read them but maybe it helps me.

Anyways I got promoted at work I’ve mentioned I still want a job I care about more but still learning new things is good. I lost 11.2 lbs officially, I started going back to kickboxing  classes, I walked some dogs, I still haven’t eaten fast food, sweets of coffee. I made an appointment to get my hair done this week.

I am really trying to better myself and focus on myself but I was really truly in love with him and I don’t know how to get him out of my head.

 

Day 15

I hate than I can go from confident and okay to crying and wanting to die. I was thinking about all the car rides, the driving you to work,going to job interviews with you because I believed in you and wanted to help plus spend the time with you. I just don’t understand what changed and what went wrong and I loose it.  Today started okay yes the horrible dream but went to work was excited about loosing 11 pounds but than I thought think of what we had and Now I’m crying in my car on my lunch break 

these dreams will be the death of me

stupid dreams. I had a dream I had to go to your apartment for some reason you weren’t there. We had already broken up but apparently weren’t at no contact stage. You had decorated your room with all types or art which made me get upset.

Because in the dream and in reality I am afraid you think I stopped you from your art and creative process and I never did. It doesn’t make sense for you to break up with me so you can work on you writing and go to the gym I never stopped you from that. I wanted you do that. Just feels like Ive been lied to.

Anyways I am doing somewhat better besides the stupid dreams. I cry less at work, Ive lost at least 10 lbs. I haven’t had coffee, sweets or fast food in two weeks. I get compliments at work and can add more things to my resume although still want another job should work on my resume this weekend.