Day 24 (I think)

So the past few days I have cried a lot less. I still cry and the mornings are still the worst. I am sick of having dreams of you. Dreams where we are together or where you are breaking up with me neither feel good. I still am devastated and confused, and angry and lost.

I hate that your friends like my posts as if I am fine and having a great time. I would trade anything to have you back to have a real shot where you were honest about our relationship and didn’t just tell me everything was good all the time.

I hope at some point you really start to miss me. I hope that I meant something to you and that I am not so easy to forget. I hope you got something good out of our relationship. I really tried and I am worthy of being missed and loved.

 

My appetite is coming back which is good but now after barely eating for 3 weeks I am worried about gaining weight. I bought a bunch of pre made meals from trader joes all healthy no cheese no red meat low calories. My legs are sore from the gym yesterday and I worked on my resume. Now I need to apply to jobs that will keep me busy sometimes I think about applying to you work and not because I ever want to run into you that would be a nightmare but because I want the discount to replace all the things you got me with things that I like but were not from you. Its a insanely large place but I feel like I would run into day one and look like a psycho. You bought me so much stuff though and some of it I will keep but whatever I can bear to get rid off I want to get rid off and replace. That would just be a second job though still looking for a full time weekly job that would just be weekends. I doubt ill do it plus I would still have to get hired.

I wish that you were on what I was on But you were only on my mind

Maybe you didn’t have your foot out the door during out relationship but you at least kept a toe out.

You kept me so separate from your friends and now its so easy for you to go out with them because I was never a part of that I am completely left out.

You never told me when there was a problem, whatever the reason you broke up with me I know I had to have brought it up at some point and you lied to me. I thought we were good together but yes I knew we had some major differences. When I asked you if you were sure you didn’t want to be with someone more creative you reassured me you didn’t you just wanted to be with me because you had fun with me and you wanted to spend your time with me. Now barely broken up seems like you are having a blast with all you creative friends which again you could have done while you were with me I never stopped that but seems like you feel free now.

When I asked about my weight you said you didn’t care and loved me for who I am. When I would get hard on myself about my weight to help me work on it you seemed annoyed but than when you break up with me you make a very veiled comment about it.

When I wanted to make sure you weren’t bored with how much time we were spending at home (we were trying to save money to move) you said you just loved spending time with me at home, having dinner, watching tv, playing zelda. Now you seem to go out constantly I would have done these things. I wanted to do these things. You just didn’t want to to them with me for some reason.

If you wanted the relationship to work you would have been honest lying to me just lead me on I thought we were happy and had a future. You get over me so quickly it really is not fair how you treated me I have no idea what was real now and when it started to fall apart and why you didn’t give me a real chance. You always had an answer for any concern you always made me feel better about everything to reassure me but you blindly led me into this devastating, confused, intense heartbreak I could have never seen coming.

Why didn’t you love me enough to give me a shot? Why did you set us up for failure?

I know I was sweet and I really loved you and I tried to help you as much as I could so that probably made it hard for you to admit you didn’t want this but if you cared for me you should have been honest. I was sweet and nice and you wanted to love me but deep down maybe you knew you wanted to be with someone who was more like you someone who dressed better, looked better, someone more creative or extroverted .

I just hope you don’t do this to anyone again you probably wont someone like me having a chance with you wasn’t a normal occurrence. I could not believe you liked me and than that you loved me I felt so lucky every day. I knew you were out of my league (but again I tried to make up for that in everyday and I still think we were good together despite the few differences) maybe I shouldn’t have pursued you for so long but you also should have been honest with yourself and with me and not let it go on so long.

Day twenty

Was a good day sadly it is now day 21 and it’s not that great. Yesterday though I felt okay. I barely cried, I got my hair done for four hours it looks healthy and nice and we talked about my break up calmly. My best friend took me to a concert at is was full is postive energy and so fun. It was the least I cried since we broke up.

Today though I had dreams of you of course and I just feel like there is a hole in my soul.

And your friends still like my posts so than I end up looking and see you having fun and you changed your hair. You barely included me with your friends it hurts so much I wanted to be part of that. I am literally nothing to you now.

Lets just hope for more days like yesterday in the future.

you chewed me up and spit me out like I was poison in your mouth.

I don’t even know who you are anymore. Maybe I never did I question so many things now. How can I spend everyday with someone for over a year, How can I share a bed and the place I lived with someone who would just lie to me like that?  He seems completely fine this break up has literally no effect on him. He doesn’t miss me, he isn’t sad about us he just feels bad that Im sad. So our relationship must have been a problem for awhile for him to get over it within a week, and he never told me when there was a problem. Mr. honesty Mr. communicate your feelings didn’t even do it himself. You didn’t let me know there was any problems you didn’t even act weird until April so two weeks you acted distant and than acted like I being ridiculous when I was worried and started acting weird back.

I went on okcupid no not to date I know I will not be ready for that for awhile I just don’t know where to make friends with similar interests. Of course our messages were some of the last ones on there and I read them and god I loved that person I don’t know if your that person anymore. You said you wanted someone to be your partner in crime, someone honest, someone to settle down with, someone who would take care for you and believe in you, someone who values you. I was all of those things and you just threw me away with no warning.

Day 16

I am trying to take care of myself. I don’t want to think of what we had and what I lost. I am sure I will keep writing things that don’t matter he wont see them or read them but maybe it helps me.

Anyways I got promoted at work I’ve mentioned I still want a job I care about more but still learning new things is good. I lost 11.2 lbs officially, I started going back to kickboxing  classes, I walked some dogs, I still haven’t eaten fast food, sweets of coffee. I made an appointment to get my hair done this week.

I am really trying to better myself and focus on myself but I was really truly in love with him and I don’t know how to get him out of my head.

 

Day 15

I hate than I can go from confident and okay to crying and wanting to die. I was thinking about all the car rides, the driving you to work,going to job interviews with you because I believed in you and wanted to help plus spend the time with you. I just don’t understand what changed and what went wrong and I loose it.  Today started okay yes the horrible dream but went to work was excited about loosing 11 pounds but than I thought think of what we had and Now I’m crying in my car on my lunch break 

these dreams will be the death of me

stupid dreams. I had a dream I had to go to your apartment for some reason you weren’t there. We had already broken up but apparently weren’t at no contact stage. You had decorated your room with all types or art which made me get upset.

Because in the dream and in reality I am afraid you think I stopped you from your art and creative process and I never did. It doesn’t make sense for you to break up with me so you can work on you writing and go to the gym I never stopped you from that. I wanted you do that. Just feels like Ive been lied to.

Anyways I am doing somewhat better besides the stupid dreams. I cry less at work, Ive lost at least 10 lbs. I haven’t had coffee, sweets or fast food in two weeks. I get compliments at work and can add more things to my resume although still want another job should work on my resume this weekend.

I hope when you look back

I hope when you look back on the last year/two years and what a horrible time it was and how you were depressed you were I hope you don’t think any of it was because of me. I worry the longer we don’t talk or the more time has gone by you might just remember what a bad year it was and lump me into that.

I started to think all of those things that happened were still going to happen so maybe I came into your life to help you with this year and that was my purpose.

You and your girlfriend of 4 years broke up not to long before we met…even though it was not a good relationship you were still having trouble with it when we met. Your friends were her friends to and you saw them less. You had to leave your apartment and than you lost your job. A lot of your idols passed away. It was a insanely bad year. I always felt sad when you said what a terrible year it was because what about me? My year was great because I had you sure other things weren’t great but nothing seemed that bad because you were in my life. Unfortunately I couldn’t make you feel that way but you said that year and a half would have been so much worse without me and I was the bright spot during all the terrible things that happened the last year and  half. I look back and I believe it and I hope you don’t forget.

You did not spend as much time with your friends and I hope you don’t look back and think that was me I always wanted you to but I figured because of your ex you didn’t.

I always believed in you and encouraged you to go after you dreams.

I hope you remember all the times we laughed, all the times we just walked around at night enjoying the atmosphere, building legos, getting competitive over really dumb iPhone games, watching each other play overwatch or zelda, tickle and pillow fights, me always breaking truces even though I never stood a chance, making fun of Barry Allen, seeing movies constantly and cuddling in those comfy theatre seats where I would almost forget we weren’t at home, all the home made meals, the back massages, the back scratches, watching my dog and your cat become friends, the drives to work,  just all the conversations we talked so much and never got sick of each other (at least not me and not you until a few weeks ago) and so much more. I do hope you remember it this way.

I am sorry you had such a horrible few years I wish I could have made it so you were all the way happy. I am glad I got to help you even if in the end it wasn’t enough.

“anything”

I woke up a million times this morning felt horrible each time. I can’t wait for this phase to pass. Last night my friends distracted me of course I talked about you and thought about you constantly but they did make me laugh I didn’t cry too much.  I get soo tired soo early now falling asleep isn’t a huge issue its the mornings as I’ve written before. I think I must have a million dreams about you which doesn’t help.

I just wish you would text me….”anything” you joked you would text me the word anything because I so badly wanted to hear anything from you I said. I don’t know if you are going to probably not and my heart will break a little more. I so badly want to ask you if I can occasionally ask how you are doing? if you are okay?

Thats another thing about saying you broke up with be because of your depression if its not true than fuck I am spending so much time worrying about you and caring when I shouldn’t. I mean I will always worry and care even if you weren’t depressed even if you didn’t tell me the truth because I love you. But saying you are having a hard time and than to push me away  I just want to help you and I can’t and it is so hard.

I have therapy in 30 minutes and than my friend is going to take me on a boat into the ocean. I hope dramamine works because I used to love the ocean so much but I get motion sick easily. Hopefully I don’t cry too much on the boat.

 

Friday

Today is really hard, I thought last night would be, you broke up with me Thursday night last week although it lasted until Friday afternoon so maybe thats why today is so hard. Last night I was so emotionally tired I just watched really really bad tv and fell asleep of course I thought of you but no crying or panic attacks.

As most mornings I just this horrible feeling in my stomach. I just can’t believe its been a week since you decided this. I keep thinking about things that hurt me more not to torture myself but to understand or accept? You cried so much on Thursday/Friday but not on Sunday. Maybe you did just cry because you felt bad about hurting me. You weren’t crying because you would miss me or didn’t want to do this. Sunday I still cried when I saw you and you didn’t. You said nice things but you did say you were a good liar and could manipulate people (although I don’t know if I ever saw it) so maybe you just didn’t want to make me feel bad so you said nice things, you held my hand, you called me cute girl you kissed me like you really meant it knowing after that you wouldn’t have to deal with me. I don’t really think you are that cruel I just have no idea what to think.

I really need to go to work its my last day…I know they have nothing for me to do which is one reason its hard I don’t want to just think about you. I can’t really apply for jobs on my phone so I can’t even distract myself with something positive. Some people said they’d help me with my resume so maybe this weekend I can get that done. I have to buy some nicer clothes probably go buy ones you help me pick out months ago so that will suck for me.