I wish that you were on what I was on But you were only on my mind

Maybe you didn’t have your foot out the door during out relationship but you at least kept a toe out.

You kept me so separate from your friends and now its so easy for you to go out with them because I was never a part of that I am completely left out.

You never told me when there was a problem, whatever the reason you broke up with me I know I had to have brought it up at some point and you lied to me. I thought we were good together but yes I knew we had some major differences. When I asked you if you were sure you didn’t want to be with someone more creative you reassured me you didn’t you just wanted to be with me because you had fun with me and you wanted to spend your time with me. Now barely broken up seems like you are having a blast with all you creative friends which again you could have done while you were with me I never stopped that but seems like you feel free now.

When I asked about my weight you said you didn’t care and loved me for who I am. When I would get hard on myself about my weight to help me work on it you seemed annoyed but than when you break up with me you make a very veiled comment about it.

When I wanted to make sure you weren’t bored with how much time we were spending at home (we were trying to save money to move) you said you just loved spending time with me at home, having dinner, watching tv, playing zelda. Now you seem to go out constantly I would have done these things. I wanted to do these things. You just didn’t want to to them with me for some reason.

If you wanted the relationship to work you would have been honest lying to me just lead me on I thought we were happy and had a future. You get over me so quickly it really is not fair how you treated me I have no idea what was real now and when it started to fall apart and why you didn’t give me a real chance. You always had an answer for any concern you always made me feel better about everything to reassure me but you blindly led me into this devastating, confused, intense heartbreak I could have never seen coming.

Why didn’t you love me enough to give me a shot? Why did you set us up for failure?

I know I was sweet and I really loved you and I tried to help you as much as I could so that probably made it hard for you to admit you didn’t want this but if you cared for me you should have been honest. I was sweet and nice and you wanted to love me but deep down maybe you knew you wanted to be with someone who was more like you someone who dressed better, looked better, someone more creative or extroverted .

I just hope you don’t do this to anyone again you probably wont someone like me having a chance with you wasn’t a normal occurrence. I could not believe you liked me and than that you loved me I felt so lucky every day. I knew you were out of my league (but again I tried to make up for that in everyday and I still think we were good together despite the few differences) maybe I shouldn’t have pursued you for so long but you also should have been honest with yourself and with me and not let it go on so long.

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I hate the evenings because it brings me back to mornings.

I just worry you are fine. How can you not be as sad as I am? How can you sleep easily. Get up easily go do things. I hate going to sleep because I wake up over and over again and feel worse every time and miss you. I have dreams about you. The day the afternoon I obviously don’t feel great but I can distract myself but fuck the evenings and the mornings its just sadness.

And you are fine? I have no idea how you are because I have to respect your wishes but I have this sinking feeling you are fine. Not that I would ever want you to hurt because I don’t. I don’t want you to be sad but if I was your best friend and you were in love with me and you just let me go so easily. Maybe its not easy maybe you will pretend its easy or maybe it is I just was not enough for you and you would not tell me that so its easy to let me go.

 

bad dreams

I have woken up pretty much every hour. This time it was from a dream where he was super chipper to move me out. But it wasn’t like we broke up in this dream he was just like okay lets get you out. It was very cruel. On occasion when I was with him I would have a dream of him just being very out of character mean but I would wake up and there he would be right next to me and I could smile and snuggle up to him and we could laugh about it.

 

But now its real he just left me alone and confused I wake up he’s not here we can’t laugh. I wish this was a nightmare I want to wake up and have him next to me and know everything is actually okay again.