Sometimes I do feel okay

I will usually post when I am having a hard time but I should show that sometimes I do know it is going to be okay. I mean of course even at my best I would still want to be with you but I can be okay with just being friends eventually.

Like right now I am watching Silicon Valley and it is so cringey and I know you would be covering your ears in embarrassment. It makes me smile I wish you were here but not in a sad way.

One reason I feel okay right now is because we talked today. I know we should’t have I didn’t mean for it to be a conversation I just wanted to ask you to block me on Facebook so I wouldn’t see you since we have mutual friends and they are more your friends I didn’t want to see things they posted about you and get more upset. I asked you to not text back. You did saying you would always care about me and of course I couldn’t help myself but answer back. You didn’t answer me about wanting your keys back and you didn’t make it sound as hopeful as you did before but did promise for us to be friends and you would never count me out romantically but definitely nothing any time soon.

I feel like I feel a little better and understand more but that could just be the high off of talking to you maybe tomorrow I will melt down.

I have literally nothing else to text now  I can’t see you on social media. I know I left some stuff there but I don’t think you’ll throw it away and I can wait. You don’t apparently want your keys back. You changed the internet over in your name.

I have to focus on myself.

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“anything”

I woke up a million times this morning felt horrible each time. I can’t wait for this phase to pass. Last night my friends distracted me of course I talked about you and thought about you constantly but they did make me laugh I didn’t cry too much.  I get soo tired soo early now falling asleep isn’t a huge issue its the mornings as I’ve written before. I think I must have a million dreams about you which doesn’t help.

I just wish you would text me….”anything” you joked you would text me the word anything because I so badly wanted to hear anything from you I said. I don’t know if you are going to probably not and my heart will break a little more. I so badly want to ask you if I can occasionally ask how you are doing? if you are okay?

Thats another thing about saying you broke up with be because of your depression if its not true than fuck I am spending so much time worrying about you and caring when I shouldn’t. I mean I will always worry and care even if you weren’t depressed even if you didn’t tell me the truth because I love you. But saying you are having a hard time and than to push me away  I just want to help you and I can’t and it is so hard.

I have therapy in 30 minutes and than my friend is going to take me on a boat into the ocean. I hope dramamine works because I used to love the ocean so much but I get motion sick easily. Hopefully I don’t cry too much on the boat.

 

I hate the evenings because it brings me back to mornings.

I just worry you are fine. How can you not be as sad as I am? How can you sleep easily. Get up easily go do things. I hate going to sleep because I wake up over and over again and feel worse every time and miss you. I have dreams about you. The day the afternoon I obviously don’t feel great but I can distract myself but fuck the evenings and the mornings its just sadness.

And you are fine? I have no idea how you are because I have to respect your wishes but I have this sinking feeling you are fine. Not that I would ever want you to hurt because I don’t. I don’t want you to be sad but if I was your best friend and you were in love with me and you just let me go so easily. Maybe its not easy maybe you will pretend its easy or maybe it is I just was not enough for you and you would not tell me that so its easy to let me go.