when I go back to social media I want to be honest about my struggles.

**This is just a draft of something I am thinking about posting on instagram and Facebook when I am ready. **

I have been thinking about how often I read to not let other peoples social media affect you that you aren’t seeing the whole picture. People only post the best part of their lives and that can make people struggling feel like they are alone or everyone has it better than them. As someone who follows a lot of of people on instagram and Facebook who openly posts about about their struggles with mental illness, chronic pain and even struggles with their body positivety they show the good and bad days I want to do the same. I know I don’t have the many followers but its important to me to not contribute to the problem. This is not about me wanting people to feel bad for me or guilt anyone I know some of my exes friends follow me hopefully they don’t see this but if they do its really not about him. It is about being honest about struggling and not pretending everything is fine all the time. So people who are also having a hard time know it can happen to anybody.

This is why I haven’t been very active on social media because I don’t want it to be a pity party or too depressing but I also don’t want to pretend everything is fine and I am having the best time is when I’m not. I see people who used to be part of my life and their social media looks like they are having the most fun and the best time and I know how that hurts to see and maybe they are having the best time and if so thats good for them because I don’t wish being depressed or having a hard time on anyone but maybe they are just posting the good times you don’t know.

I am having a hard time I was in love with someone who I spent a lot of time with and who was my best friend and when you loose that its hard. Again I don’t want sympathy but I don’t want to downplay how hard heart break can be. For three weeks I pretty much cried for at least 50% of the day. I couldn’t handle being at work for more than a few hours, I felt sick anytime I looked at food, I was so emotionally tired I would go to bed around 8pm and its not like I wasn’t trying. I didn’t lay in bed all day though I went out, I doubled my therapy, I quit drinking caffeine (besides green tea), I stopped eating any types of sweets not even a single cookie or a chocolate chip, I don’t eat fast food, I started working out again, I read books, I went out with friends and I made new friends. I still felt horrible though this sinking feeling everyday and I would cry in public in my car the most but even out with friends I would just start crying. It isn’t easy for me and I don’t think it should be its a major loss and a shock and huge change.

Three weeks something seemed to change though I started to eat again, I started to feel excited about all the projects I started, I started to cry a lot less I am nowhere near out of the woods yet and that is okay its probably going to take a long time to feel completely okay and I don’t think theres anything wrong with that.

Day twenty 

Was a good day sadly it is now day 21 and it’s not that great. Yesterday though I felt okay. I barely cried, I got my hair done for four hours it looks healthy and nice and we talked about my break up calmly. My best friend took me to a concert at is was full is postive energy and so fun. It was the least I cried since we broke up.

Today though I had dreams of you of course and I just feel like there is a hole in my soul.

And your friends still like my posts so than I end up looking and see you having fun and you changed your hair. You barely included me with your friends it hurts so much I wanted to be part of that. I am literally nothing to you now.

Lets just hope for more days like yesterday in the future.

7 days ago

Today has been a really hard day. My friends and family are busy and thats okay I have to deal with this alone at some point. My friends are really impressed and how “well” I am doing I keep saying yes to things I keep going out even though I randomly burst into tears and don’t have that much energy the fact that I get out of bed and do anything at all is apparently good.

So let’s see one week ago 2 days after you broke up with me…Last Sunday I saw you. You asked me if I was okay, you picked me up, you said I looked nice.

You said seeing me was what you looked forward to. You made me laugh, you held my hand, you kissed me a lot. You said you didn’t want me to hold on hope but you also said maybe it was a break and you read the birthday card I wrote to you out loud in which I wrote I hope to spend many more birthdays with you and than you said that I would spend more birthday with you….and than you gave me the spare keys to your new apartment (that I was supposed to be living in too) and you gave me the spare key to you car which isn’t cheap.

So how do I not hang on how do I go from that to no contact

Although I might text you tomorrow just to ask if you could block me on facbeook. I am trying to take a social media break but roommate sites and other sites ask you to log into Facebook. And seeing you comment and make jokes with your friends like you don’t miss me at all is really hard. I know I could block you but it feels aggressive or like I am mad and I am not. You want no contact so its easier if you block me so when your ready to talk you can just message me if I blocked you on everything I would never know.