I hope when you look back

I hope when you look back on the last year/two years and what a horrible time it was and how you were depressed you were I hope you don’t think any of it was because of me. I worry the longer we don’t talk or the more time has gone by you might just remember what a bad year it was and lump me into that.

I started to think all of those things that happened were still going to happen so maybe I came into your life to help you with this year and that was my purpose.

You and your girlfriend of 4 years broke up not to long before we met…even though it was not a good relationship you were still having trouble with it when we met. Your friends were her friends to and you saw them less. You had to leave your apartment and than you lost your job. A lot of your idols passed away. It was a insanely bad year. I always felt sad when you said what a terrible year it was because what about me? My year was great because I had you sure other things weren’t great but nothing seemed that bad because you were in my life. Unfortunately I couldn’t make you feel that way but you said that year and a half would have been so much worse without me and I was the bright spot during all the terrible things that happened the last year and  half. I look back and I believe it and I hope you don’t forget.

You did not spend as much time with your friends and I hope you don’t look back and think that was me I always wanted you to but I figured because of your ex you didn’t.

I always believed in you and encouraged you to go after you dreams.

I hope you remember all the times we laughed, all the times we just walked around at night enjoying the atmosphere, building legos, getting competitive over really dumb iPhone games, watching each other play overwatch or zelda, tickle and pillow fights, me always breaking truces even though I never stood a chance, making fun of Barry Allen, seeing movies constantly and cuddling in those comfy theatre seats where I would almost forget we weren’t at home, all the home made meals, the back massages, the back scratches, watching my dog and your cat become friends, the drives to work,  just all the conversations we talked so much and never got sick of each other (at least not me and not you until a few weeks ago) and so much more. I do hope you remember it this way.

I am sorry you had such a horrible few years I wish I could have made it so you were all the way happy. I am glad I got to help you even if in the end it wasn’t enough.

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“anything”

I woke up a million times this morning felt horrible each time. I can’t wait for this phase to pass. Last night my friends distracted me of course I talked about you and thought about you constantly but they did make me laugh I didn’t cry too much.  I get soo tired soo early now falling asleep isn’t a huge issue its the mornings as I’ve written before. I think I must have a million dreams about you which doesn’t help.

I just wish you would text me….”anything” you joked you would text me the word anything because I so badly wanted to hear anything from you I said. I don’t know if you are going to probably not and my heart will break a little more. I so badly want to ask you if I can occasionally ask how you are doing? if you are okay?

Thats another thing about saying you broke up with be because of your depression if its not true than fuck I am spending so much time worrying about you and caring when I shouldn’t. I mean I will always worry and care even if you weren’t depressed even if you didn’t tell me the truth because I love you. But saying you are having a hard time and than to push me away  I just want to help you and I can’t and it is so hard.

I have therapy in 30 minutes and than my friend is going to take me on a boat into the ocean. I hope dramamine works because I used to love the ocean so much but I get motion sick easily. Hopefully I don’t cry too much on the boat.

 

okay real first day without him

So I lied in my last post it was not my first day without him I guess just my first night I saw him yesterday. Today was my first full day. I am still in denial and I have to get stuff out of our old apartment so I know I will see him so that is making me live in denial more than I should. So today I felt tired and sad and had no energy but it was not as bad as I expected. I have some amazing friends two who drove down over an hour to see me and make sure I wasn’t alone. I didn’t want to do anything though but just sit in the car talking and they were great and let me. I didn’t want to get out of the car for being so emotionally and physically tired and worried about bursting into tears in public.

I had therapy today we are hoping to find me a psychiatrist this week I am worried we won’t. I know I have gone this long without medication with my anxiety I should have been on it and with this very traumatic even its probably a good time to start I am worried for how bad my depression and anxiety will get after I get all my stuff out of our old apartment and contact will be officially terminated.

I wrote a really nice letter to give him I am proud of it its how I would talk to him if we were still together just wanting the best for him and hoping he gets better and letting him know things I loved about him and to not get too sad. Than I tried to write another letter the sad desperate please don’t do this to me letter. It is a mess I know I shouldn’t write one of those at all but I just want to make sure I have said everything I could think of so I don’t have reason to contact him when my emotions get the best of me I can’t say what if I had this or that. I know it wont work anyway its more for me feeling better. All my friends and therapist are quite shocked this happened so suddenly so I don’t think its wrong of me to have questions on why. 10 days ago we were happy. 5 days ago you had me get keys to what was supposed to be our new apartment. If he really loves me as much as he says he does and I didn’t do anything wrong than why can’t we discuss this more.

Oh and he accidentally called me and I believe it was an accident it was only 2-3 rings…and of course I called him back…I shouldn’t have but part of me was like maybe he needs me even if its just to talk and of course the really sad me was like maybe he changed his mind but obviously its easy to pocket dial someone you used to call everyday. I am sure he will take my number out of my phone but is waiting until we deal with moving all my stuff out.

I am really tired I hope I can fall asleep without a anxiety attack and I dread the morning. Mornings are the worst.

Day one without him

This is the post excerpt.

So I wanted to a blog to document all the ups and downs and hopefully the road to feeling better after a break up.

April 13th (2 days ago) I got to hear the worst words ever uttered “we need to talk” hearing this of course terrified but still I didn’t think it would actually happen. We had just got me keys for “our” new apartment. He had gotten a bigger bed for my bed hogging dog but most of all he had finally to told me the day before that he was suffering some some pretty bad depression. Obviously I knew it wouldn’t be easy with depression but he communicated I could be less worried about why he was acting so weird around me. I could give space, advice, try to motivate him I was going to be his rock but I never got to try. He insisted it was not my fault which deep down I don’t think it is but he made the mistake of saying he wouldn’t have even thought about breaking up if I had no asked if everything was okay (the depression I did not know the extent of was making him act not like himself so I feel the question was fare and not me being sensitive or clingy) so with him saying that of course I hate myself I wish I never said anything I wish I waited longer I wish I would have moved my stuff in. I could have let him ignore me a little longer maybe he would have still admitted his depression and we could have tried together. I know with mental illness you have to want to help yourself I know I can’t magically make it better but I would have been patient and understanding. He was always understanding with my anxiety. He was and is the best guy I ever met and I would think that even if I wasn’t in love with him I did not want to give up so easily.

 

This is where I start getting over whelmed with emotions so I will stop.  I am sure I will sound quite ridiculous sometimes but talking about things always helped me feel better. I can’t always burden my friends and family. I only have therapy once a week. I have to make sure I respect his wishes and dont call or text him with whatever makes me think of him or how much I miss him so I am hoping this will help. I also hope maybe it will be helpful at some point when I see me slowly start writing more positively.