Because it mental health awareness month and because I just hate pretending being something Im not I have a few things I wanted to write about. Ive been wanting to talk about how shitty social media can be…yes it has many positives but this whole only showing the the positive and good in your life and how that can make others feel. We all know this but it still can make you feel jealous or lonely or depressed. A little less than two months ago I spent most of my days crying for three weeks I could barely stay at work, I cried at work and in my car all the time, I felt physically sick I had no appetite most of the day and after I ate I usually got sick from eating. This was not for lack of trying I went out almost every day, I upped my therapy from once to twice a week, I starting working out, I started eating better than I have in years (when my I could physically eat)
So because that is how I felt I had to delete all social media mostly because it was not going to be good for me at the time but also because I was not supposed to let anyone see how sad I was. I could only post times when I was having fun and I kind of think thats bullshit. Of course I don’t want to be depressing or sound like I want attention but why shouldn’t I have been depressed. Someone I spent everyday with for over year was just out of my life. That is fucking sad it is totally normal to be upset everything had changed and it was sudden with barely any warning signs and again I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me its part of life but its weird that your supposed to hide that part. I was working on myself and I was doing everything I could but I felt like complete shit.
Something changed after three weeks I stopped crying, I started to really look forward to everything I had been working on. I made new friends, I was focusing on the positive. I have been really happy and really excited about life that isn’t a lie nothing changed in general I feel really good but yesterday I just started crying at work and I could not stop. I am not sure what it wasn’t about the break up at least not in the way you’d assume. Its just starting everything over can be overwhelming at times. I have to figure out where I want to live now when I had that figured out before. Ive had to turn down jobs I had applied to and just not been offered because I don’t live where I thought I was going to. I have to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. I am also just feeling impatient I am doing a lot of good work on myself but it takes time I am eating better than ever and working out but I want to look good now I hate that I have to wait so long but at least I know its going to happen. I have kept myself so busy the past few weeks that I was physically going to fall over this week I have more free time and it makes me nervous to be alone with my thoughts still.
Anyways I just appreciate everyone I follow that shows that they have good and bad days and its not easy everyday and not everything is perfect. I really like my life and the way its going but its also hard and scary and I have some really shitty days. So again I really appreciate my family and my friends and all the people I’ve met recently and even the strangers that have been there for me on the shitty days.