I wish that you were on what I was on But you were only on my mind

Maybe you didn’t have your foot out the door during out relationship but you at least kept a toe out.

You kept me so separate from your friends and now its so easy for you to go out with them because I was never a part of that I am completely left out.

You never told me when there was a problem, whatever the reason you broke up with me I know I had to have brought it up at some point and you lied to me. I thought we were good together but yes I knew we had some major differences. When I asked you if you were sure you didn’t want to be with someone more creative you reassured me you didn’t you just wanted to be with me because you had fun with me and you wanted to spend your time with me. Now barely broken up seems like you are having a blast with all you creative friends which again you could have done while you were with me I never stopped that but seems like you feel free now.

When I asked about my weight you said you didn’t care and loved me for who I am. When I would get hard on myself about my weight to help me work on it you seemed annoyed but than when you break up with me you make a very veiled comment about it.

When I wanted to make sure you weren’t bored with how much time we were spending at home (we were trying to save money to move) you said you just loved spending time with me at home, having dinner, watching tv, playing zelda. Now you seem to go out constantly I would have done these things. I wanted to do these things. You just didn’t want to to them with me for some reason.

If you wanted the relationship to work you would have been honest lying to me just lead me on I thought we were happy and had a future. You get over me so quickly it really is not fair how you treated me I have no idea what was real now and when it started to fall apart and why you didn’t give me a real chance. You always had an answer for any concern you always made me feel better about everything to reassure me but you blindly led me into this devastating, confused, intense heartbreak I could have never seen coming.

Why didn’t you love me enough to give me a shot? Why did you set us up for failure?

I know I was sweet and I really loved you and I tried to help you as much as I could so that probably made it hard for you to admit you didn’t want this but if you cared for me you should have been honest. I was sweet and nice and you wanted to love me but deep down maybe you knew you wanted to be with someone who was more like you someone who dressed better, looked better, someone more creative or extroverted .

I just hope you don’t do this to anyone again you probably wont someone like me having a chance with you wasn’t a normal occurrence. I could not believe you liked me and than that you loved me I felt so lucky every day. I knew you were out of my league (but again I tried to make up for that in everyday and I still think we were good together despite the few differences) maybe I shouldn’t have pursued you for so long but you also should have been honest with yourself and with me and not let it go on so long.

Day twenty 

Was a good day sadly it is now day 21 and it’s not that great. Yesterday though I felt okay. I barely cried, I got my hair done for four hours it looks healthy and nice and we talked about my break up calmly. My best friend took me to a concert at is was full is postive energy and so fun. It was the least I cried since we broke up.

Today though I had dreams of you of course and I just feel like there is a hole in my soul.

And your friends still like my posts so than I end up looking and see you having fun and you changed your hair. You barely included me with your friends it hurts so much I wanted to be part of that. I am literally nothing to you now.

Lets just hope for more days like yesterday in the future.

another thing

One thing I have not already said on here….

When I said seems things different and you seemed distant you actually said that hurt your feelings and made me feel bad. How could you do that when I was right…the fact that you are doing so much better with out me within days of us breaking up I was right and you lied and than made me feel bad about it.

 

These are just things I want to ask you if we ever talk and get to a point where I think you’ll be honest with me.

evenings.

Right now I feel okay. I went out with a friend we had some delicious interesting dinner and than I had some tea while he had coffee. We talked I was normal I could imagine my future and talk about my goals. While there is a sadness in my heart and head sometimes especially in the evening I feel okay I wish I could feel like this more but at least there is hope.

I know I keep repeating myself

I don’t know why today is so hard maybe its because I have slowly been able to get more positive thoughts in my head so when I think of you it feels ever worse.

I think its partly because I am only now having to push myself to accept its over. You said all these things that gave me too much hope and made it seem like you really loved me. Thanks to social media I can see how your going out so easily and comforting girls who are sad who are not me. We are not getting back together I don’t know if we can be friends. I don’t know who you are anymore and its only been a few weeks and you already seem like a stranger. I don’t know what happened to the person I was in love with and what happened to the person who was in love with me. How could someone who made future plans with me who said I was their family treat me like this. I know I keep saying this but you didn’t give me a chance I had no idea you weren’t happy with me even when we broke up you still wouldn’t admit you weren’t happy with me it was just your job….but how quickly you have gotten over it you must not have been happy. I thought you really loved me. I thought you meant what you said to me.

I was just someone to help you get over your ex maybe I was never the type of girl you could be with? I thought we were good together. I watched you evolve you lost weight, you dressed crazier/better/more your self, you started a lot of the projects your working on while you were with me…I never wanted you to stop any of those things I always supported them I still don’t get how breaking up with me makes you able to do those things again. I feel like you are just hanging out with all your cooler looking friends and more artistic friends and you did not want me to be part of that or near that so its easier now. Its really hurtful everything you’ve done this last month is not nice or kind. Unless you really mean what you said to me but your actions don’t line up with that.

I really want this blog to be positive but I am just being honest with my feelings. Whenever I am feeling somewhat hopeful the computer is not around.

People have been insanely kind to me and I’m thankful and hopeful for that.

you chewed me up and spit me out like I was poison in your mouth.

I don’t even know who you are anymore. Maybe I never did I question so many things now. How can I spend everyday with someone for over a year, How can I share a bed and the place I lived with someone who would just lie to me like that?  He seems completely fine this break up has literally no effect on him. He doesn’t miss me, he isn’t sad about us he just feels bad that Im sad. So our relationship must have been a problem for awhile for him to get over it within a week, and he never told me when there was a problem. Mr. honesty Mr. communicate your feelings didn’t even do it himself. You didn’t let me know there was any problems you didn’t even act weird until April so two weeks you acted distant and than acted like I being ridiculous when I was worried and started acting weird back.

I went on okcupid no not to date I know I will not be ready for that for awhile I just don’t know where to make friends with similar interests. Of course our messages were some of the last ones on there and I read them and god I loved that person I don’t know if your that person anymore. You said you wanted someone to be your partner in crime, someone honest, someone to settle down with, someone who would take care for you and believe in you, someone who values you. I was all of those things and you just threw me away with no warning.