So I wanted to a blog to document all the ups and downs and hopefully the road to feeling better after a break up.
April 13th (2 days ago) I got to hear the worst words ever uttered “we need to talk” hearing this of course terrified but still I didn’t think it would actually happen. We had just got me keys for “our” new apartment. He had gotten a bigger bed for my bed hogging dog but most of all he had finally to told me the day before that he was suffering some some pretty bad depression. Obviously I knew it wouldn’t be easy with depression but he communicated I could be less worried about why he was acting so weird around me. I could give space, advice, try to motivate him I was going to be his rock but I never got to try. He insisted it was not my fault which deep down I don’t think it is but he made the mistake of saying he wouldn’t have even thought about breaking up if I had no asked if everything was okay (the depression I did not know the extent of was making him act not like himself so I feel the question was fare and not me being sensitive or clingy) so with him saying that of course I hate myself I wish I never said anything I wish I waited longer I wish I would have moved my stuff in. I could have let him ignore me a little longer maybe he would have still admitted his depression and we could have tried together. I know with mental illness you have to want to help yourself I know I can’t magically make it better but I would have been patient and understanding. He was always understanding with my anxiety. He was and is the best guy I ever met and I would think that even if I wasn’t in love with him I did not want to give up so easily.
This is where I start getting over whelmed with emotions so I will stop. I am sure I will sound quite ridiculous sometimes but talking about things always helped me feel better. I can’t always burden my friends and family. I only have therapy once a week. I have to make sure I respect his wishes and dont call or text him with whatever makes me think of him or how much I miss him so I am hoping this will help. I also hope maybe it will be helpful at some point when I see me slowly start writing more positively.