Just keep swimming

My heart hurts I am not as hysterical today though. I started “unpacking” cleaning and organizing my sad trash bags of stuff.

I talked to my therapist its nice to talk about how I don’t understand and it still makes no sense and she agrees unless I am missing something. She said I also lost my best friend that she could tell we really loved each other and we were best friends. It is nice to have others say that to me and it wasn’t in my head unless he was a great at lying. I still am not sure why he gave me his spare keys and said to use his hulu and than takes me off the next day I almost want to ask if he wants his keys backs but I am scared for the answer but again the truth is best to help me get better so I really hope he isn’t lying to me. Not that I think he is a liar he just might think he’s helping me by saying nice things he may not mean to me even after breaking up with me.

 

Anyways I have to go back to work tomorrow I don’t know how that will go and I need to find a job…What a great time to be looking for a job! Completely utterly heartbroken. One thing that helps distract me is look at apartments and better job but I am just worried how I will perform on interview and at a new place while mourning this amazing relationship and friendship I had.

I need help with my resume…I might have someone log into Facebook for me and see if any friends can help. Obviously I would rather have him back and I wish I would have had more self confidence to get a better job when I was with him (although I did have reasons at times to not) that is the least I can get out of this heartbreak is getting a better job so I can take care of myself.

 

Positives my therapist mentioned what great skin I have…I swear crying does wonders I have the clearest skin. And I seem to have lost 8 lbs since we broke up a whole 4 days ago. Now I know that isn’t good and I don’t want to get unhealthy  I just feel sick its hard to eat. i bought some smoothie drinks, yogurt and salad stuff just to make sure I eat and eat healthy.

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hulu

So of course because he’s such nice guy he said I could still use his steaming services I really didn’t plan on it because thats not what you do but maybe during the some of the first few wallowing days maybe…he said it wasn’t a big deal I could just watch under my profile. I go on and my profile is gone….I could still watch under his but that can’t be an accident thats its just gone all of a sudden. The only reason this actually upsets me because it makes me think all his other gestures he didn’t really mean and he’s really 100% done with me but can’t tell me to my face. I logged out and cleared the history so I would not not be tempted or even accidentally sign in.

I just wish he wouldn’t have went out of his way to say that I didn’t ask I wasn’t going to use it he told me he wanted me to and who cares so it feels really cold to change that. Again its just hulu it just scares me all his other gestures of friendship one day weren’t what he meant or wanted.

 

Maybe seeing my profile name just made him sad….but thats just wishful me thats just the version on me that wants him to miss me as much as I miss him.

Why are mornings the hardest?

I felt pretty good yesterday but of course that is because I saw my ex. Before anyone judges when you live together for awhile and have bills intertwined and have to separate your stuff its not so easy to just cut off all contact we have adult things to deal with. That said I was strong enough to not put it off longer he is literally so kind he’s like we can wait but I knew that would just give me more reasons to live in denial.

 

It went better than expected I cried way less than Friday. We could sort of make jokes and talk as friends. I think he gives me too much false hope but thats not all on him he made the decision so yes he should be the stronger one but I did start to get way more upset when he talked about getting over him and moving on and of course I acted way more calm when he would say maybe this could work out another time….I know thats wrong but its been 3 days so how else am I supposed to feel. Plus he really is one of a kind and I really don’t want to be with people that often so it is going to be hard I am not giving up but I also am not going to hold on in some unhealthy way I mean maybe right now but that has to fade away.

I gave him the card which I am proud of I also gave him the much less flattering why did you do this to me and are you sure you are telling me the truth letter which I wish I didn’t. I told him I was embarrassed of it and sorry and I think he will understand.

I just really wanted the truth and I have to trust him I do believe him it just would almost make it easier if he said yes I was not happy with you I need something else I would have to move on and accept that him just not being happy with himself but thinking I am perfect I think will be a slower process especially if he ends up with someone else soon than later. I know I know there is nothing I can do about that but its just how I feel.

 

I don’t know I just felt less sad and more motivated yesterday. I went to Hollywood hung out with some girls and a cute pit bull. I ate! and fell asleep easily. Than I wake up with that sinking feeling and wanting to wallow. I hope its just the morning as it hits the afternoon I will feel better.Every fucking time I wake up though it feels horrible I don’t know if its just not having him there or the fact I have to remember what happened every time. I don’t know I don’t like it. I know I am doing better than expected and you have to feel your feeling but I really hate being so sad and lonely in the morning.

A card I wrote

I know I’m still bargaining and I’m sorry I want to respect you I know this is the last time I’m seeing you or talking to you for awhile so I just want to make sure I’ve said everything I needed to say. I want you to get better because I hate seeing you sad you don’t deserve any pain. I know you don’t think you deserve to hear nice things from me but I love you more than anyone and I don’t think that will ever change. You are the best person I ever met even if we never dated I would think that. I was so glad to know you and I was the happiest and luckiest being you’re girlfriend. I loved seeing you light up around people and you lighting them up. You were so positive and fun. I loved all of you’re fashion choices. I really liked you’re stories I love that you get you could share them with me and don’t give up on them. Don’t give up on you’re dreams you’re going to get your chance I know it. Please don’t be too hard on yourself while you wait for that to happen. I believe you will get yourself where you want professionally but don’t let yourself depend on just that to be happy. You have so much else in your life that is good. You have have amazing friends that I’m going to miss even though I didn’t really know them. You have a good family even if you’re parents are republicans. You have your personality which is one of a kind. You are very charming you are good at cheering people up. You’re a great listener you care about people so much. You are talented and hardworking and you will make it happen these are reasons to love yourself even when things aren’t working out. You have me even though I know you don’t want that I am here for you know and forever even if you don’t want to be with me

bad dreams

I have woken up pretty much every hour. This time it was from a dream where he was super chipper to move me out. But it wasn’t like we broke up in this dream he was just like okay lets get you out. It was very cruel. On occasion when I was with him I would have a dream of him just being very out of character mean but I would wake up and there he would be right next to me and I could smile and snuggle up to him and we could laugh about it.

 

But now its real he just left me alone and confused I wake up he’s not here we can’t laugh. I wish this was a nightmare I want to wake up and have him next to me and know everything is actually okay again.

okay real first day without him

So I lied in my last post it was not my first day without him I guess just my first night I saw him yesterday. Today was my first full day. I am still in denial and I have to get stuff out of our old apartment so I know I will see him so that is making me live in denial more than I should. So today I felt tired and sad and had no energy but it was not as bad as I expected. I have some amazing friends two who drove down over an hour to see me and make sure I wasn’t alone. I didn’t want to do anything though but just sit in the car talking and they were great and let me. I didn’t want to get out of the car for being so emotionally and physically tired and worried about bursting into tears in public.

I had therapy today we are hoping to find me a psychiatrist this week I am worried we won’t. I know I have gone this long without medication with my anxiety I should have been on it and with this very traumatic even its probably a good time to start I am worried for how bad my depression and anxiety will get after I get all my stuff out of our old apartment and contact will be officially terminated.

I wrote a really nice letter to give him I am proud of it its how I would talk to him if we were still together just wanting the best for him and hoping he gets better and letting him know things I loved about him and to not get too sad. Than I tried to write another letter the sad desperate please don’t do this to me letter. It is a mess I know I shouldn’t write one of those at all but I just want to make sure I have said everything I could think of so I don’t have reason to contact him when my emotions get the best of me I can’t say what if I had this or that. I know it wont work anyway its more for me feeling better. All my friends and therapist are quite shocked this happened so suddenly so I don’t think its wrong of me to have questions on why. 10 days ago we were happy. 5 days ago you had me get keys to what was supposed to be our new apartment. If he really loves me as much as he says he does and I didn’t do anything wrong than why can’t we discuss this more.

Oh and he accidentally called me and I believe it was an accident it was only 2-3 rings…and of course I called him back…I shouldn’t have but part of me was like maybe he needs me even if its just to talk and of course the really sad me was like maybe he changed his mind but obviously its easy to pocket dial someone you used to call everyday. I am sure he will take my number out of my phone but is waiting until we deal with moving all my stuff out.

I am really tired I hope I can fall asleep without a anxiety attack and I dread the morning. Mornings are the worst.