something changed

I feel lied to and betrayed I feel like you told me what I wanted to hear and that makes it worse for me and I told you that. I know I am one of the only girls you actually ever wanted to leave for some reason so you don’t have much experience in breaking up but I told you it doesn’t help me to lie. Something changed….when April started and you acted like I wasn’t giving you enough space you said “I’m not easy to date” or you just “need to be by yourself” but you shifted majorly. Looking back at our texts you didn’t answer a single one for a week even when most of them were me asking if you needed anything or something similar. You kept going to a empty apartment instead of coming home to see me. Something was wrong. You came home at 4am disoriented saying some guy scared you trying to get in you car and if only your co worker was there you would have been brave and fought….what about me? what about your cat or your self why her?

This was not me being clingy. I never had a problem with you needing time to write…you started a lot of projects while we were dating I never stopped you. I never had a problem with you going out with your friends I never made you feel bad and told you to stay out as late as you wanted. Yes when you came home at 5am the first few times it freaked me out because I wasn’t sure where you were but other than that. I never had a problem. I never wanted you to stop going to the gym I would remind you how much better you felt. So breaking up with me you can all of a sudden go to the gym and work on your stories and see your friends. You stopped loving me, or you started liking someone else or my lack of creativity was a problem. I know you did love me I know we were happy even a month ago we were still ok but what happened. I want to know I won’t contact you but its not fair saying its me I really love you but its me is not fair. I am left confused, I am left hurt, I am left with too much hope. I don’t get to learn from the relationship when you are too scared to tell me the truth. I know you don’t want to hurt me and you still want to look like the good guy but it doesn’t help me. People fall out of love or want other people and yes that would really fucking hurt but it would make sense.

Or maybe we were just in a rut its not really fair we were saving up to move and moving but you always said we were fine and you were happy to watch movies at home with me. you should have communicated any problems.  We were good and we could have been great we could have gotten better and stronger but you didn’t want that and you wont tell me why.

After you broke up with me but still held my hand, kissed me, had sex, said you loved me, called me cute nicknames, continued to tell me it was just you and you “didn’t want to drag me down”  but when you didn’t have to look at me when you texted a week later you were still telling me what I wanted to hear but barely you were different you talked to me like a some kind of role model telling me to just be the best me not like someone who was in love with me making it more obvious.

I may never know but the part of me that wants a chance will fight the thoughts I have right now and hold on to those things you said which is not fair it makes it harder for me in the long run. I have to fight with myself go from hysterically crying to angry and just always confused and lost. If you aren’t really working on yourself and you don’t love me and you didn’t mean it when you said  wanted to be with me than everything you’ve been doing is really cruel.

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Author: Heartbreaktohappy

Just someone being honest about all the emotions after a devastating breakup

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