I went to work today I lasted 5 hours before I cried but that was my lunch break. I mailed you the one shirt I had of yours and the two crystals I had bought you a few days before you broke up with me. I wrote a note which I I feel is wrong its breaking the no contact rule but the note said to not tell me you got the package and not to say thank you and if I find something else I will just mail it no note.
I cried so much after I mailed that being in areas we used to spend so much time in. Hoping somehow wed run into each other even though I know that isn’t going to happen.
I am really trying to push myself to accept its over. The longer we don’t talk the less likely it is he will change is mind. I mean I don’t give up but I have to focus on myself and just see what happens.
It’s hard I have been hurting pulling out the small things he said that were about me. He said we weren’t taking care of ourselves together right now? or something like that.
Why did he say he felt bad about never inviting me to la with his friends…I wasn’t bothered I figured he would eventually they were new friends and creative and artistic things I lack but maybe he was embarrassed or ashamed of me.
So his problems with me were me taking bad jobs and not eating better but he swore that isn’t why he was breaking up with me and I could have fixed those I wish I did. I was waiting until we moved to find a better job and I was starting to eat better but to little too late. Still he should have communicated this to me in a serious manner.
Part of me doesn’t want to believe that most of me still wants to believe he was in love with me still and he is just depressed about his career stuff in his life.
He is probably fine without me that really hurts thats why I have to go back and forth between things he said. He made it so hard with all his kind words and gestures and swearing he didn’t want to break up it was just him because he said these things and swore them I feel like I have to personalities. The one that is like no he just didn’t want to be with you accept it. Than the no he will get better and you have a chance because he really did love you.
I thought I was good for him I really did. I did not know how to help his depression but he swears only he can do it so what was I supposed to do? I thought we were a good team. I miss rubbing his back. Today my shoulders itched really bad and I flashed back to how you would always scratch them.