I felt pretty good yesterday but of course that is because I saw my ex. Before anyone judges when you live together for awhile and have bills intertwined and have to separate your stuff its not so easy to just cut off all contact we have adult things to deal with. That said I was strong enough to not put it off longer he is literally so kind he’s like we can wait but I knew that would just give me more reasons to live in denial.
It went better than expected I cried way less than Friday. We could sort of make jokes and talk as friends. I think he gives me too much false hope but thats not all on him he made the decision so yes he should be the stronger one but I did start to get way more upset when he talked about getting over him and moving on and of course I acted way more calm when he would say maybe this could work out another time….I know thats wrong but its been 3 days so how else am I supposed to feel. Plus he really is one of a kind and I really don’t want to be with people that often so it is going to be hard I am not giving up but I also am not going to hold on in some unhealthy way I mean maybe right now but that has to fade away.
I gave him the card which I am proud of I also gave him the much less flattering why did you do this to me and are you sure you are telling me the truth letter which I wish I didn’t. I told him I was embarrassed of it and sorry and I think he will understand.
I just really wanted the truth and I have to trust him I do believe him it just would almost make it easier if he said yes I was not happy with you I need something else I would have to move on and accept that him just not being happy with himself but thinking I am perfect I think will be a slower process especially if he ends up with someone else soon than later. I know I know there is nothing I can do about that but its just how I feel.
I don’t know I just felt less sad and more motivated yesterday. I went to Hollywood hung out with some girls and a cute pit bull. I ate! and fell asleep easily. Than I wake up with that sinking feeling and wanting to wallow. I hope its just the morning as it hits the afternoon I will feel better.Every fucking time I wake up though it feels horrible I don’t know if its just not having him there or the fact I have to remember what happened every time. I don’t know I don’t like it. I know I am doing better than expected and you have to feel your feeling but I really hate being so sad and lonely in the morning.