So I lied in my last post it was not my first day without him I guess just my first night I saw him yesterday. Today was my first full day. I am still in denial and I have to get stuff out of our old apartment so I know I will see him so that is making me live in denial more than I should. So today I felt tired and sad and had no energy but it was not as bad as I expected. I have some amazing friends two who drove down over an hour to see me and make sure I wasn’t alone. I didn’t want to do anything though but just sit in the car talking and they were great and let me. I didn’t want to get out of the car for being so emotionally and physically tired and worried about bursting into tears in public.
I had therapy today we are hoping to find me a psychiatrist this week I am worried we won’t. I know I have gone this long without medication with my anxiety I should have been on it and with this very traumatic even its probably a good time to start I am worried for how bad my depression and anxiety will get after I get all my stuff out of our old apartment and contact will be officially terminated.
I wrote a really nice letter to give him I am proud of it its how I would talk to him if we were still together just wanting the best for him and hoping he gets better and letting him know things I loved about him and to not get too sad. Than I tried to write another letter the sad desperate please don’t do this to me letter. It is a mess I know I shouldn’t write one of those at all but I just want to make sure I have said everything I could think of so I don’t have reason to contact him when my emotions get the best of me I can’t say what if I had this or that. I know it wont work anyway its more for me feeling better. All my friends and therapist are quite shocked this happened so suddenly so I don’t think its wrong of me to have questions on why. 10 days ago we were happy. 5 days ago you had me get keys to what was supposed to be our new apartment. If he really loves me as much as he says he does and I didn’t do anything wrong than why can’t we discuss this more.
Oh and he accidentally called me and I believe it was an accident it was only 2-3 rings…and of course I called him back…I shouldn’t have but part of me was like maybe he needs me even if its just to talk and of course the really sad me was like maybe he changed his mind but obviously its easy to pocket dial someone you used to call everyday. I am sure he will take my number out of my phone but is waiting until we deal with moving all my stuff out.
I am really tired I hope I can fall asleep without a anxiety attack and I dread the morning. Mornings are the worst.